Twenty Eleven

I'm not even sure what to say. It just seems appropriate that on the last day of this horrendous year I blog. It also seems appropriate that my heart is breaking, my head is exploding in pain, my body doesn't want to function and I'm consumed with countless thoughts and fears of negativity imaginable. I just want to get into the fetal position and cry.

I'm so done.

2011 I hate you.

What am I supposed to do right now? Look back on my year and think of the positive? Sure, there were some highlights. January 28th, with my best friend. March 26th, getting those keys to our apartment. May 13th, walking across the stage as they called my name. September 29th, Michael Ryan Gray asked me to be his girlfriend. I went to Utah and spent a week with Jamie and her husband and even saw the Grand Canyon for the first time. Against all odds, I'm still alive. But..

Marisa. Sitting in that doctor's office while Erin was partying it up in Mexico. The abuse going too far. Having to do everything alone. My vulnerability. That kiss. My shame. The disastrous aftermath. My struggle to save what was already lost. My desperation to be everything to someone who stopped seeing me. My final act and last departing gift. The illness taking over me more. Having no one. The night I let you go and had to hold myself together alone. Continually getting sicker and my heart not knowing how to heal. Losing the person I needed the most because my depression was something they didn't want to be around. Surgery. Come into my room for one minute and then disappear. Like I didn't matter. St. Anne threw me away. I don't matter. I get sick again. Always sick. Pain like no one understands. Surgery. This ugly bald spot. I'm so ugly. I'm not good enough. You tell me to choose. I don't talk enough. I'm not open. I don't accept help. I'm defective. I get it. I'm sorry. I try. I always try but...

2012.

I have these ideas in my head. These hopes. These resolutions. But I dare not say them. I don't even want to think them but I've never been one to control my thoughts.

I hope you all have a Happy New Year.