Christmas

I have the urge to describe the indescribable. I'm utterly exhausted. My shoulders and neck are aching and are far too tense. My eyes burn from both lack of sleep and probably an infection in my left one. My stomach hurts from far too much food for my body. My right leg is in a tremendous amount of pain and is extremely sore. The rest of my body feels bruised. I won't even get into how my head feels. Oh, and I think I'm catching a cold which is possibly very bad. Yet I feel strangely at peace. In some weird way.

I had a wonderful Christmas. Completely wonderful. I was spoiled completely rotten. In my entire life I have never gotten so many gifts. My family spoiled me. My boyfriend's family spoiled me. My boyfriend spoiled me. Adrianna spoiled me (a teen I sponsored for Confirmation last year). I was just overwhelmed. April bought me a prince, even! Not to forget my early Christmas presents from Erin and her family. It's just all too much. Of course as much as I love my gifts, that's not the reason my Christmas was so amazing. A large part occurred during  Mass. Well actually, before. First, I was shocked at the fact my father was coming to church with us all. Secondly, if you have even the slightest glimpse into my life you know that God and I haven't been on the same page. My heart was just filled with anger, and even after I came out of surgery well, alive, I couldn't let go of it. Even though I desperately wanted to. Yet when I walked into my parish on Christmas Eve and my favorite smell filled my senses my heart caught on fire and I almost fell to my knees. It took so much of me to not just ball my eyes out all through Mass. To not cry out in a mixture of complete joy and reconciliation. Mass was one of the most beautiful masses I've ever experienced and I'm not saying that because of my euphoric state. Father John proclaimed the Gospel from memory with the most passion I have ever heard and said a beautiful homily. My greatest gift is that I am a horrible person yet Christ loves me anyway. He humbled Himself to be born and take on our human flesh only so that He could die for me. My greatest gift is my faith. I'm still in a difficult place. I'm walking down an extremely long road but my line of communication is open again.

Another reason my Christmas was so pleasant had to do with my boyfriend. Well more so his family. In my past two serious relationships I have played the girlfriend role extremely well when it comes to family gatherings. I would go to different houses and smile, shake hands, and talk politely. Answer a few questions about myself if asked and participate in whatever I had to participate in. It was always extremely uncomfortable and awkward. I'm shy and I never felt like I belonged there. I would more or less follow my said boyfriend around hoping he wouldn't leave me to fend for myself. In particular in my last relationship we would go to his dad's house and I would walk in and I seriously felt the temperature in the room drop. Their resentment toward me was obvious, although I never did anything wrong except love their son with all my heart. Regardless, I never felt like a part of anything with any of my boyfriends. I was comfortable with them sure. Now with Michael? Last night I stayed at Michael's house in his sister's room and so I woke up Christmas morning and went downstairs in my pajamas and casually talked to his mother and she gave me a big hug. I hung around the kitchen while Michael's mom and sister made cinnamon rolls and then I went back upstairs to get ready. I ate cinnamon rolls with Michael's mom, sister, brother and grandma. Then we opened gifts. After, I sat  downstairs on the couch and talked to his grandma, and then his mom and sister. All separately. I don't even know what Michael was doing at this point and I didn't care. I didn't need him by my side. After everyone was ready we left to go to Michael's brother Kevin's house. There we did our Secret Santa and ate lunch and just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. I was more with Michael during this time but honestly, I didn't need to be. It isn't of course that I don't want him around. It's the fact that I feel like Michael's family includes me. I'm not some outsider or just some girl he likes. I see Michael's mom, and his grandma, and Michelle, Kevin, Allyson, Amelie, Joyce and Chris as my future family. Michael is the man I'm going to marry and I'm so thankful that his family is kind and loving enough to make feel like I belong. They don't understand how just even hugging me makes me feel. I'm used to nothing and now I have everything. I haven't met all of Michael's family but the family I have met, and the ones I was blessed to spend Christmas with, I am so thankful for.