I remember being a teenager and planning my whole life. I always knew I wanted children. The number of them varied from year to year and at some point I settled down at three. I knew I would get married young, have children soon after and ultimately be done by the age of 30. All the while balancing a successful career. I never felt naive about it. I would simply just have gotten it done. I never expected it to be easy. I just expected myself to succeed, Fast forward a few hard years, cancer, an unplanned pregnancy and dealing with the emotional turmoil that proceeded my marriage to my husband, here I am. I am 25, happily married and I have a beautiful little girl-but I'm terrified. Actually I may be in full blown panic mode. Nothing is the way it was supposed to be. And I keep foolishly trying to solve a puzzle with the wrong pieces. It's exhausting. It's debilitating stress. And I feel so very alone.
I honestly don't know how to relinquish control. But I haven't had any control over my life in years. I keep swimming against the current and getting swept away. But I'm too stubborn to quit. Too proud to give up. I keep grasping at the dreams and ideals of my past and everything is getting foggy. I worked so hard. Climbed so many mountains. I cried too many tears. I'm screaming like the spoiled brat that I am, demanding some tiny bit of what I feel is owed to me. What I feel should already be mine.
I want security. I've never dreamed of a mansion on top of a hill and my life to be a vacation. I just want to feel like the ground isn't going to fall out from under me.
