Tick Tock

Life is so unexpected. Ha. I just realized what I just said. Oh boy.

Sleep just won't come tonight. I'm caught up in my fragile mess and all the pointless possibilities of tomorrow.  I never knew it was possible to have your head above water yet still be drowning. One more tidal wave and I'll... No. That's a lie in formation. I won't ever completely break.

Everything is wrong, you know. Yet there is so much beauty in my mistake.

Is everything forgivable? Or are there certain things that you cannot just look past? To forgive as Christ does, is that truly possible for the fallen? Or is it just some impossible aspiration? Will there be a day when my heart stops bleeding?

Happiness is found in your imagined smile. In the idea of you lying safely in my arms. Of knowing I'll be your everything.

At this, failure is not a possibility.

How marvelous.

I was happy once. Probably happier than I have ever been before. I allowed myself to open my heart up. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to trust and give everything I had. A lot of people had their opinions and I didn't listen. I made the decision for myself and went for it. Then there I was completely swept away. Details aside, I saw everything. I had everything. Was it perfect? Of course not. But nothing ever is and love is finding beauty in all those imperfections that drive you crazy and loving through them. I've always been willing to do that. Then out of nowhere my world came crashing down. As hard as I try I can't recover.

Memories. Looking through old pictures and that's all they are. It's only been a little over a month and so much in me has changed. I was burned and the fire reached my heart and engulfed it. I'm someone who can't feel what I used to.

It's just music on a CD. Great music. Beautiful music. I love it. But you aren't singing.

Oh life.

"Congratulations!" I read those words about five times before I continued on with the rest of the letter that I held in my hand. I had given up on ever hearing back from this school. This school that I so badly wanted to go to. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to even apply to. My fear of rejection was overwhelming. Franciscan University is not just any school. Logically with my GPA there wasn't a reason for them not to accept me. I look great on paper, and the essay I wrote I was confident in. However I was sick to my stomach sending all my papers. To me, this was it. I didn't want to use my back up plan. CDU wasn't good enough and although I could be a youth minister without a degree I know that at my age I can get further with this degree. Not to mention I want the knowledge for myself anyway. So I sent my stuff and I waited, and waited, and waited. Nothing. I even emailed them only to get a response that the director of grad students had a baby and was too busy to reply quite yet. I was frustrated and disheartened. I tried to forget about things and for the time being, move on. That letter was the last thing in the world I expected to be in my mailbox. 

I've lost my motivation for nearly all things. I've sunk into a pretty bad depression. I'm not who I used to be. My desires are gone. My interests are no longer there. My personality has changed rather drastically. My heart has changed. Maybe I'm just fed up with the way people treated me. Maybe life got the best of me. Maybe I'm going through a phase. I have no idea what's going on. But I'm so alarmingly different. I'm making rash decisions. I'm being irresponsible. And I have been oh so responsible since I was five years old. I've just gone over the edge. 

But then there's school. Steubenville. Dammit I love school. I'm still me when it comes to school. The old me.  The me that never got sick. Never got hurt. Never was damaged. The perfect me. Maintain a 3.0 or I get kicked out. Please. I'll do so much better than maintaining a 3.0. I want to start this second. 

School. Church. Teens. Keep me in my bubble.