"And forget about everyone here"
That's exactly what I want. Because I'm undeniably selfish. Yup.
I'm not so sure when I became the person that hid in sleep. That just turned the world off and hid under the blankets and passed out. My sleep is no where peaceful and I just wake up panicked and wanting to sleep more but it's so strange. I feel so sick all the time and it's frustrating because I shouldn't be sick anymore. I should be getting healthier every day and regaining my strength but I'm not. I'm just here being consumed with the things I can't yet do for all these various reasons. I feel like a caged animal.
"Eager to leave." "Not considering my choices." You have no idea. I understand your desperate need to hold onto me but if I can't do something...if I look at a situation and I get to a point and I accept defeat, do you realize how difficult that is? And then I make a decision and act on it, honestly, maybe, that may be the best decision for me. And isn't that my problem? Isn't that what everyone has been yelling at me for all my life? That I don't think about myself enough? Yet here I am thinking...and here you are yelling...
Nothing has been decided, because I'm still fighting for what I have under my feet. But God and everyone else knows I have such poor footing.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Life.
I could have never predicted my life events. I could have never hand chosen the people in my life and the unique way that each one of them has affected me. I have made awful decisions and exceptional ones. My life is what it is and honestly, I can't do very much to change it, frustrating as it may be.
When I was a little girl I did an awful amount of dreaming. I used to climb trees, or the roof of either my house or my grandma's house and just sit up there for hours and get lost in my thoughts. I've always had this way of just trying to escape my present. I didn't enjoy my past and the future always seemed so exciting. Hopeful. Limitless. Mine for the taking. I could do anything with it. How young and naive I was. How still young and naive I am. My restless heart cannot truly be content in the moment. I always want more. Yet I've been stuck for so long, and I failed so miserably. Oh how I've failed. To describe my disappointment in myself...
My sleep lately has been suffering. More so than usual. My dreams are vivid and alarmingly discomforting. I can't find a job and I get kicked out of my apartment and I have no where to go. Jamie is my only refuge but it puts a strain on every relationship I have. My wait is over and Steubenville emails me back but I get rejected. Or I get accepted but I can't go anyway. No money, no time. Or I can't do the work. I arrive on campus and I get lost. Last night I was dreaming that I was signing up for classes and everything was already full and I couldn't register. I dream about Michael and I fighting and him walking away. I dream about Erin ripping my bracelet off my wrist and screaming at me that she hates me. I dream about cupcake-less months and life without my Dandelion. I dream about going to the Steubenville West Conference and sitting at a table with my teens while at a table next to me is a parish that disowned me, teens that I love and the three people that I just previously mentioned and I'm supposed to be okay with it. I dream about being sick again and all the loneliness I felt.
Last Wednesday I went to confession and I confessed to the priest all my anger and bitterness. It was what I needed. I took my anger and resentment and my feelings of abandonment and nailed them to the cross. On Good Friday, as I sat in my church praying I took out my journal and I began writing. Now I never do this but this is a tiny part of what I wrote :
Lord, I am in such need of healing and You are the only one that can heal me. You know all parts of me. You know the intricacies of my heart, my longings, my deepest desires and all my needs. Fulfill me oh Lord. Please.
Lord, by Your cross, death and Resurrection I am set free. Set me free. I deserve to journey with You in suffering, sinner that I am. But I beg of You Lord, let me rise with You. Grant me the everlasting peace of Your love.
As soon as I had written the words I felt a calming sensation go over me. On Easter Sunday I was flooded with peace. Obviously there are so many areas in my life that are not peaceful. I am beyond stressed and I have this terrible tendency to just worry about everything. However that burden of anger has left me. At twenty-two, I am still very much a child. You would think I would know better but in my experience of raising myself maybe I just didn't teach myself the necessary skills or I taught myself the wrong things.
When I was twelve and I was writing my book One Tear Drop Falls my main character tells the boy she likes "A kite flies on a string, not a stick, you know" He proceeds to ask her what that's supposed to mean and she responds "Whatever you want it to". I put that in there for a very specific reason and I think it's funny that my 12 year old mind worked that way. That I wanted my readers to think a certain way even though I knew most would never understand what I meant. Yet it was more than that too. I really did mean it when I said, "whatever you want it to" because that is what life is. Life is defined really by you and your interpretation of it.
When I was a little girl I did an awful amount of dreaming. I used to climb trees, or the roof of either my house or my grandma's house and just sit up there for hours and get lost in my thoughts. I've always had this way of just trying to escape my present. I didn't enjoy my past and the future always seemed so exciting. Hopeful. Limitless. Mine for the taking. I could do anything with it. How young and naive I was. How still young and naive I am. My restless heart cannot truly be content in the moment. I always want more. Yet I've been stuck for so long, and I failed so miserably. Oh how I've failed. To describe my disappointment in myself...
My sleep lately has been suffering. More so than usual. My dreams are vivid and alarmingly discomforting. I can't find a job and I get kicked out of my apartment and I have no where to go. Jamie is my only refuge but it puts a strain on every relationship I have. My wait is over and Steubenville emails me back but I get rejected. Or I get accepted but I can't go anyway. No money, no time. Or I can't do the work. I arrive on campus and I get lost. Last night I was dreaming that I was signing up for classes and everything was already full and I couldn't register. I dream about Michael and I fighting and him walking away. I dream about Erin ripping my bracelet off my wrist and screaming at me that she hates me. I dream about cupcake-less months and life without my Dandelion. I dream about going to the Steubenville West Conference and sitting at a table with my teens while at a table next to me is a parish that disowned me, teens that I love and the three people that I just previously mentioned and I'm supposed to be okay with it. I dream about being sick again and all the loneliness I felt.
Last Wednesday I went to confession and I confessed to the priest all my anger and bitterness. It was what I needed. I took my anger and resentment and my feelings of abandonment and nailed them to the cross. On Good Friday, as I sat in my church praying I took out my journal and I began writing. Now I never do this but this is a tiny part of what I wrote :
Lord, I am in such need of healing and You are the only one that can heal me. You know all parts of me. You know the intricacies of my heart, my longings, my deepest desires and all my needs. Fulfill me oh Lord. Please.
Lord, by Your cross, death and Resurrection I am set free. Set me free. I deserve to journey with You in suffering, sinner that I am. But I beg of You Lord, let me rise with You. Grant me the everlasting peace of Your love.
As soon as I had written the words I felt a calming sensation go over me. On Easter Sunday I was flooded with peace. Obviously there are so many areas in my life that are not peaceful. I am beyond stressed and I have this terrible tendency to just worry about everything. However that burden of anger has left me. At twenty-two, I am still very much a child. You would think I would know better but in my experience of raising myself maybe I just didn't teach myself the necessary skills or I taught myself the wrong things.
When I was twelve and I was writing my book One Tear Drop Falls my main character tells the boy she likes "A kite flies on a string, not a stick, you know" He proceeds to ask her what that's supposed to mean and she responds "Whatever you want it to". I put that in there for a very specific reason and I think it's funny that my 12 year old mind worked that way. That I wanted my readers to think a certain way even though I knew most would never understand what I meant. Yet it was more than that too. I really did mean it when I said, "whatever you want it to" because that is what life is. Life is defined really by you and your interpretation of it.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Demons.
I can't really wrap myself around my emotions. This state of mind I'm in. The quiet way my body shakes with anger. Blinded rage in which I just want to destroy everything around me. I want to release everything in fits and bouts. I want to be uncensored and just go off. My head hurts from my brow furrowing so often. My heart feels cold and hardened. Yet all of this I'm describing is so foreign to the person that I once knew myself to be. I don't know how to contain it.
My previous blog I can't recant nor do I want to. It upset people and it was taken as unfairly written. I'm not being fair. I'm the jerk in all of this. Which, perhaps, may be true. However at the moment I cannot see it as so. All I know is it's just feeding more fuel and proving my point more. That is, I am utterly alone and have been. I have no one in my life to really talk to and depend on. I can't express my feelings without them being turned inside out and hurting everyone and being thrown in my face and my expectations are obviously too high. So I'm stuck.
Role reversal. Where would I have been? If you were me, and I were you? Though that isn't fair I know. But really. What would have happened?
I just want it to be over. I want it to be done. I want to move on from everything. I want to be happy with everything. Just forget it all. Why can't I just forget it all.
This is possession.
My previous blog I can't recant nor do I want to. It upset people and it was taken as unfairly written. I'm not being fair. I'm the jerk in all of this. Which, perhaps, may be true. However at the moment I cannot see it as so. All I know is it's just feeding more fuel and proving my point more. That is, I am utterly alone and have been. I have no one in my life to really talk to and depend on. I can't express my feelings without them being turned inside out and hurting everyone and being thrown in my face and my expectations are obviously too high. So I'm stuck.
Role reversal. Where would I have been? If you were me, and I were you? Though that isn't fair I know. But really. What would have happened?
I just want it to be over. I want it to be done. I want to move on from everything. I want to be happy with everything. Just forget it all. Why can't I just forget it all.
This is possession.
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