Hourglass

The only way I can actually get my emotions out is through writing. For some reason saying things out loud seems temporary to me. I have to see my words. I wish I had the time to blog more, or even journal. But I have yet to master getting everything I need to do and take care of my daughter who is basically on me 24/7. Not that I mind, but sometimes I just need a break. And more than just time for a ten minute shower, which I do need and appreciate. I don't know though. I'll manage.

I dislike using Facebook or Twitter as an outlet for my emotions. But I have that need to just say something. I'm not in it for the likes or comments. I just need an outlet. Lately I've been feeling more and more trapped in my mind. I'm struggling with countless things and there seems no end in sight. I'm trying to figure out which way to go but I second guess myself at every turn. Nothing is certain yet I'm in need of much more solid ground.

I'm trying but I'm wearing thin.

Going Home

I am a glutton for self punishment. If I do something wrong I torture myself and treat myself as a criminal. Forgiveness? Not a possibility. I'll be brutally honest here. I conceived the greatest gift and blessing of my life during pre-marital make up sex and every part of me hated myself for it. I did everything wrong and I ruined every last ounce of self respect I had for myself. So in turn I walked away from the only place I felt at home, stopped doing the only thing that truly fulfills me, and isolated myself completely. Leaving Holy Cross and youth ministry killed me. If possible, it was worse than my whole St. Anne debacle. I did nothing wrong to warrant the childish Church politics and betrayal in that situation and although hurt and bitter, I was able to hold my head still up. This? I emotionally balled myself up in shame.

My daughter is my light in a very dark world. She saves me from myself every single day. And as much as I was punishing myself, I knew deep down that I could not afford to punish her for my mistakes. From my experience from St. Anne, I should have known that a Catholic church is simply not uniformly welcome everywhere. The celebration of Mass is constant, but there is a giant difference in being surrounded by a community and being a part of it. I needed Holy Cross, not just for my sake, but for hers as well.

This evening was the first time in eight months that I sat in the pews of Holy Cross, perhaps appropriately on Divine Mercy Sunday. And my daughter and I were literally welcomed with open arms.

Clock on the Wall

I don't live in a fairy tale. My thoughts certainly aren't bright and cheerful either, but here I stand. Throughout my life I have had to jump through many hoops and fight my way through endless obstacles. Sometimes I wonder if I'm better for it or just worn out and damaged because of it. Jury is still out.

I desire many things. One thing in particular keeps gnawing at my brain. As each day passes I begin to lose more and more hope, yet my desire grows stronger. I don't really know how to talk about it with anyone. The situation is so complicated and I just want to fast forward through all this hard part. And I keep wondering when and if I'll come across a time when something in my life just comes easy.

If retrospect, I'm not an impatient person. But I don't like waiting. Especially not now.

Baby is crying. Me time is officially over.

And that's okay.