Just Empty. No Beauty.

My head hurts. My eyes are closed right now as I'm typing and my head just hurts. My eyes hurt too. I just took a deep breath as a thought flashed through my mind. Can you guess what it was? Think carefully. It shouldn't be that hard to guess.

I'm so tired of using the same words. I'm tired of going on repeat. Of sounding like a broken record. I'm tired of feeling the same way, though in reality, I'm not feeling the same way at all. I feel worse. Each day gets a little harder. A little less bearable. My strength weakens. My perseverance wavers. I am but a single person that can only take so much. Yet round after round I go.

My relationships are estranged. I have no connection to anyone. There is so much missing in my life.

Voids. I need to fill them with prayer.

I want to escape.

Happy Ever After

I used to believe in fairy tales. It's true. I used to believe that there existed places where yes, bad things did happen. Like evil step mothers and being locked away in castles. However at the end of the story good conquered evil. No, it was so much more than that. Love conquered evil. Yet as I got older that belief of mine began to fade. Life kept showing me how cruel the world is. This notion of love prevailing was simply just a fantasy. A fashioned notion that we seek but are unable to attain.

I can't tell if my days are getting longer or shorter. Things are very difficult right now. I feel like I'm fighting a war with no army. I need someone to bounce my thoughts off. Funny how things turn out. You think you'll always have certain people but then one day you realize you're on your own. It really is sink or swim.

Heart Beat

Last night during Mass I sat attentively listening to the homily. It was a beautiful homily on the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I sat there in my pew, fresh off a confession that I didn't feel went right, struggling to find peace. As I listened to Father describe two different paintings of the Sacred Heart and his interpretation of both I realized that it wasn't my sin that was bothering me so. Through the grace of confession I was forgiven and I knew that. It was my own beating heart that felt mangled and abused that I couldn't bear with.

Christ has a human heart. A heart just like mine. A heart that the world scorned and continues to do so. In my sinful nature I'm included in that scorning. We pierced that heart. Yet unlike our selfish human hearts, Christ loves us Divinely. He withstands everything though we deserve nothing.

I fail at this every day. Maybe even more so lately. However my prayer still is daily to love and serve the Lord to the best of my ability. I want to live out my saint's quote and "love until I die of Love". I want to dedicate my life to the Church. I want to minister to teens and bring people closer to Christ. I want nothing more than that.

But this heart of mine...it hurts. To the point where taking a single breath seems impossible. And I feel so alone.

Slipping Away

Eventually you won't even notice. Or maybe you will and you'll do what you always do and that's nothing. Just let it happen. I'm slipping right through your fingers. Just fading away.

I deserve better than all of this.

When the page turns, when the curtain closes, when the last leaf falls...who remains?

I ache.

You can't promise me anything.

Around around we go...

I make myself dizzy. I want someone to talk to but then really, what's the point in that? Exactly what am I looking for? I want clear direction right now. I want a map. Actually, no. You know what I really want? I want a schedule. I want a schedule printed out neatly and handed to me with everything I need. It would give me a time frame for everything and tell me the tasks I have to do. I wouldn't have to worry about these stupid decisions that I'm obviously incapable of making and I would stop feeling so anxious and lost all the time. Of course life doesn't work that way.

Everything happens for a reason. What that reason is is what we always seem to question. In the grand scheme of things I want very few things from life. In no particular order all I really want is for someone to give me forever and marry me. I want to be a mother. I want to get a MA in Theology. I want to be a youth minister. I want to be a witness to Christ and His Church. Much more doesn't matter.

I don't know really what I'm doing anymore these days. Once upon a time I had so much figured out. It's frustrating feeling the way I do...directionless. I don't work this way.

I feel like I'm grabbing out at empty air.

It really is never ending. I keep getting thrown more and more things. I honestly wonder what God is trying to teach me. Exactly what kind of person is He trying to mold me to be. 

I'm very scared right now. I'm scared of all the uncertainty. I'm scared of everything that I have to let go of. I'm scared of how blindly I have to walk. I'm scared of how much trust I don't have yet how much trust is actually needed in order for this to actually work. I'm scared of how alone I am and how alone I don't want to be. How  no one will understand my choices and the lack of support I will receive. I'm scared of being wrong. 

St. Thomas Aquinas said that love is willing the good of another. I want to perfect that concept. 

Kyrie eleison.

Christe eleison.
Kyrie eleison.