The Chase

All my life I fear I may have been running.  Trying desperately to escape this darkness that all too often consumes me.  I think back at my childhood and I can't pinpoint when it started. When my smiles stopped coming forth effortlessly and there was no longer a lightness to my heart.  When did everything get so heavy and so jumbled? When did I begin fighting to just stay sane?

Perhaps my biggest issue is the state of my life.  My beautiful, precious, seemingly fragile life.  I have everything. I spent so many years dreaming of being here.  The imperfections and quirks of being married, being a mother and fighting an ever growing financial tide are not things to complain over. Not things I feel burdened by. They're blessings and joys even in the most difficult times.  Yet here I am still drowning. Still doing everything I can to get a breath of air. Why can I not escape this darkness that continously overpowers me?  Like a demon that sole purpose is to take over my soul and strip me of any hope, I'm haunted.  Tormented. I'm screaming and not a sound comes out. I have absolutely no control.

Yet I still get up,  get dressed and go out and be productive. I still love without restraint and care without any limit.  I still strive to make even the tiniest mark on the world. And I'm not sure why that is. All I do know is I'm still only half the person I could be.  And I have no idea if the other half will be able to be shown the light.

Until then I'll just keep running.

7/18/15

I remember being a teenager and planning my whole life. I always knew I wanted children. The number of them varied from year to year and at some point I settled down at three. I knew I would get married young, have children soon after and ultimately be done by the age of 30. All the while balancing a successful career. I never felt naive about it. I would simply just have gotten it done. I never expected it to be easy. I just expected myself to succeed, Fast forward a few hard years, cancer, an unplanned pregnancy and dealing with the emotional turmoil that proceeded my marriage to my husband, here I am. I am 25, happily married and I have a beautiful little girl-but I'm terrified. Actually I may be in full blown panic mode. Nothing is the way it was supposed to be. And I keep foolishly trying to solve a puzzle with the wrong pieces. It's exhausting. It's debilitating stress. And I feel so very alone.

I honestly don't know how to relinquish control. But I haven't had any control over my life in years. I keep swimming against the current and getting swept away. But I'm too stubborn to quit. Too proud to give up. I keep grasping at the dreams and ideals of my past and everything is getting foggy. I worked so hard. Climbed so many mountains. I cried too many tears. I'm screaming like the spoiled brat that I am, demanding some tiny bit of what I feel is owed to me. What I feel should already be mine.

I want security. I've never dreamed of a mansion on top of a hill and my life to be a vacation. I just want to feel like the ground isn't going to fall out from under me.

Today is Friday

Time escapes me. Almost two years have gone by since I've written in this silly thing. A lot happens in two years, even when "nothing" seems to actually happen.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to compose here. Though, it may have always been that way. There was just always that inclination to somehow make sense of my life that compelled me to spit my emotions out.

As I begin to creep up on 26 you would think that I would have more of a sense of what life has in store for me. Yet as of late you'll find me on my knees begging God for some type of clue. I'm grasping at dreams I'm not sure I should keep. Why is it that I am always such a mess?

I have so much more to offer than I have been allowed to give.