Decision.

I feel slightly light headed. Time today has just passed me by. Is it really almost 5? I'm so filled with energy yet I can't do a single thing. I want to rant. Possibilities. Oh possibilities.

It would only be six weeks. Ha. I could see myself loving every moment. Completely drenched in Catholicism. Oh boy. This is ridiculous.

Do I dare?

Next Page.

Depressed is unfitting. Lost is undescriptive. My state of being simply wasn't being. For the past few months I ceased to be the person that I am. I had flickers of her. In quiet conversations with friends when they needed me to be strong and say the right thing I felt myself flow with the words that would bring them to tears and give them the strength to carry on but it never reached my heart. On August 8th I was pronounced dead but months before that I had already begun to die.

Monday afternoon I sat in the waiting room of my doctor's office too scared to take in an actual breath. I kicked myself for being there alone. Screaming silently trying to understand that after everything why I still was doing everything alone. I wanted Erin there more than anyone else. Even knowing that she couldn't be there and maybe even shouldn't be, I wanted to rely on the strength she gives me. I had the desire to call Jamie and hear her voice. I wanted to be in his arms. I felt sick. Tears wanted to stream down my face and I did everything I could to fight them off. Doubts plagued my mind. Everything that could go wrong danced in front of me. I closed my eyes and began to sing to myself. My heart beat slowed. My breathing steadied. Someone called my name.

As I stood in the parking lot waiting for my mom to pick me up I stood motionless. I was fighting a mixture of emotions. I reached for my phone and pushed the number 2 but then for some reason decided against it. I began getting antsy and was pacing back and forth. I saw my mom's car and I couldn't contain it anymore, a smile spread across my face. My sister opened the door and I got in and I grinned and I asked if I could drive.

It's like a veil has been lifted. A veil that sadly I didn't even realize was there. My doctor simply told me that my health is all things considering, well, and I can go back to work, drive and begin working out and all of a sudden I'm this different person. My circumstances are really all the same. I have no job to go back to. I have no car to drive. Yet I'm filled with this overwhelming sense of motivation. I'm me again. The me that honestly, I love. The one that goes on overdrive. I came home on Monday and I went straight to my computer and pulled up a grad school application and began filling it out. I'm not sure if I'll be in school in January. It depends on a few factors. But the point is nothing is going to limit me. I'm done with it all. I'm so done. Because you know what? My name is Stephanie Marie Gonzalez and I kicked three brain tumors butts and I'm determined to become the best version of myself no matter the cost.

Thank you to those who love me, even when I'm not at my best.

Impatience.

I have this surging energy inside of me. I want to describe to my tiny minion of readers the contents on my inner most wants, my deepest fears, my constant failures, my fleeting past, my dawning future but alas I cannot. I keep myself at bay, curled together in a ball, thoughts pacing back and forth in the crevices of my mind. I'm afraid to even smile. Guarded. Oh but the things I want to say.

Shell Shock

I had two moments today where the wind was knocked out of me. Where I couldn't manage to breathe a single breath. I felt my insides shake and my body tremble. I held myself, scared that if I let go of my sides I would surely fall to pieces. My heart beat quickened. I could feel a rush of anxiety flood me and I wanted to run. Tears burned into my eyes and I heard myself speak but I didn't recognize my own voice. Two different conversations. Two different situations. One single question lingering in the very back of my mind. Who the fuck do you want me to be?

Things are good. Things are bad. I'm running. I'm battling. I'm winning. I'm losing. I do everything right. I do everything wrong. I'm wise. I'm naive. I'm everything and nothing all at once.

I can't do this.

Short on Air.

I can feel the ground shake from beneath me. I want to go for a walk right now. Destination unknown. I have this desire to hold you in my arms. My senses are heightened, like I can feel the calm before the storm. Though perhaps I'm just paranoid. Everything around me feels fragile.

I miss the sound of crickets in the night. I want to open windows and let fresh air in but the heat of the night won't bring the satisfaction that I'm desiring.

I want to take the plunge and never look back.

Someone pull me out of my head.

Aaaahhh.

This blog is pointless. I would just like to say that my head is killing me. Like seriously. I'm about to be sick. I'm extremely frustrated with the fact that my blog will not look the way I want it to. I mean really? Dumb picture. Ahh. I really feel sick. My head is exploding. Someone fix my blog for me. It may make my migraine go away. Okay it won't. But it will make me feel better in some other way. Hah.

I'm going to be sick and then go hide under my blanket now.

Ask. Seek. Knock.

I'm standing at the doorstep. I can feel myself leaning. It was in that moment of pure perfection when everything seemingly changed. When the tension building was more than I could take and I was tired of my holding up my walls. Like a flame set to my heart it caught fire as my every breath escaped me in the most euphoric sort of way. I felt weightless. A moment of complete surrender where nothing could touch me. A smile crept onto my face and my blazing heart beat violently in my chest. I'm not quite sure I care what anyone thinks.

I stand at the doorstep and I hesitate to look behind me. There is so much to say. So much still that is left unspoken. I feel fear fill me. The beauty of your eyes haunts me. Your words haunt me. I have this desperate need to... I don't even dare say it. I'm trying to decipher everything.

I need to know who I am. Just who I am.

Falling Through.

I feel exhausted. Almost like I've just been in a fight and the outcome was surely not in my favor. I didn't sleep well. I wanted to. I was desperate to. My mind and body desired any sort of reset no matter how temporary. Having Erin beside me chased away the storm of tears that longed to engulf me and rack through my worn out body. My gratitude cannot be expressed toward her and her presence. I'm tired of crying.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and had to look away quickly. My hair grew back so fast but I can see where my skull indents slightly. I know where my scar is. I looked at my doctor's note taped to my mirror that was supposed to free me from all this madness and I wanted to scream. My eyes were swollen. I lifted my shirt up that revealed my ribs and I wanted to break them. My temptations to hurt myself keep building. I began to think thoughts that maybe I should refrain from writing down. My life is going nowhere. But then in order for it to go somewhere I would actually have to have a life.

I'm so confused about so many things. Yesterday brought on too many emotions. I have a bone to pick with God. Really. I would love to have a conversation with Him.

I feel sick. In every way.

Same Tune.

I'm aching with a tormenting pain. I'm yelling at myself to stop crying but what's the use. Here I am again in the apartment crying alone. I want to scream. I want to curse. I want to write indescribable hideous things that make no sense except to me. I'm infuriated with my life.  I want to tear at my skin and watch my insides rot away. But that's just stupidity. Insanity. A person that I used to be that I no longer want to be. Oh but I still am. Every day. Thoughts. Temptations. Desires. Every damn day.

I hate living with me.

I miss Jamie. I miss Utah. I miss Meg and Clare. I shouldn't be here. It was almost like when we crossed that state line I couldn't breathe.

I can't breathe. 

No Place Like Home

Clare is on my lap and Meg is at my feet. My heart is breaking. I didn't want to get up this morning. All I can do right now is just cry and be slightly overwhelmed with everything.

Yesterday morning I combined the old with the new. I ventured off into a familiar city that really, I'm in love with, and explored it for the first time on my own. My first stop is quite obvious. The cathedral holds so many memories for me that have nothing to do even with my Catholic faith. As I approached the gorgeous church it was then it dawned on me that I was alone. I stood on the lawn and I thought about all the times I had been there before with Diana. I looked toward where we had wrote our names in the cement and laughed knowing that they were gone and realizing how appropriate that was. I looked at the sign in front of the church and I remembered taking a picture of her there. I looked at the trees and remembered sitting there for hours just talking. Then I walked up the steps and I thought about Chris and the picture I have tucked away in a box. I laughed because I remember taking that picture. I laughed even more because it's the only picture in the entire world of myself that I like and it's hidden away in a box. I stood up on the steps at the foot of the doors of cathedral thinking for a few minutes and I felt at peace. I did not long for either of them to be there with me. I did not ache for the past. I was fine being there alone. I decided to walk inside and to my surprise, God granted me a Mass.

In total I spent about 3 hours at the cathedral and then I walked toward the temple. It's absolutely beautiful there. I didn't spend much time walking around though. My phone was running low on battery and I thought it be best if I went home before it died. It was quite wonderful though to just be...free. To roam around without any restriction. To not have anyone around to tell me what I could or couldn't do. It's silly that I would even have to voice such things. I'm almost 22 years old and I shouldn't have to worry about limitations such as these. But due to events of my health everyone treats me like I'm about to break. I can't do this this, I can't do that. And I understand but the restrictions are strangling me. Yesterday was so nice. It was an escape. It was just me being able to be me. If I got tired I stopped. I didn't push myself to the point of exhaustion. I paced myself. Back in Arizona no one trusts me. Maybe that's my own fault. However I need this. So thank you Jamie. Thank you for knowing that I can take care of myself. Thank you for never doubting my capability in anything. Thank you for everything.

In real time, this blog is taking me forever to write. This is because I'm avoiding the subject I really wanted to write about. When I first opened the browser I was extremely upset. Angry, if you will. I don't normally like to write angrily. At least not on here. Last night I was talking to Jamie and I was basically telling her how I don't want to go home. There's nothing to go home to. And that's the truth. I have nothing. I have people that I love and I miss, but right now, I'm not sure it's enough. This environment is better for me. I'm going to go back and what? Feel the same? I still have no game plan. I'm still lost. And no I'm not trying to hide in Utah. I just don't want to come back. I just don't. I'm sorry.

There's a text on my phone that says this. "Well I'm glad you're coming home. And your sister needs you." What about what I need?

Whatever. I'll be home Saturday.

Losing It.

I'm trying not to panic but I'm panicking. My eyes keep welling up with tears and I keep fighting off the urge to scream. Clare keeps barking and I'm getting annoyed. Why am I getting annoyed? I can't breathe. Breathe Steph breathe. Waking up this morning to how I woke up was horrible. I've never felt so...

I only have a B.A. in Psych. And it's focused in Social for crying out loud. I'm trying not to diagnose myself. I'm trying not to. But how can't I? I analyze everything. 

I feel sick.


The buss pass on the desk is staring at me like some sort of temptation. I want to get out of here. But I also want to get back in bed and continue to cry.

Don't take this from me too.

Love

Love. I almost began spilling out Corinthians out of habit. Patience. Kindness. Not jealous. Not boastful. Endures all things. All of this is true, sure. But I can feel myself hardening. I can feel myself even right now as I'm typing allowing anger to come into me and I'm fighting to urge to let it consume me. Love. A fairy tale. Hah. Oh, but deep down, aren't I the girl that believes in fairy tales? I'm a hopeless romantic. But I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be a lot of things.

Infidelity. Cheating. Unfaithfulness. Broken trust. Unfortunately I cannot say that I am innocent of the crime. Even if it wasn't more than a kiss. But even saying that statement am I trying to make myself feel better? Is there no honor in this world? Is there no honor in me? I pride myself in being faithful and loyal and keeping my word but really how can I? Even if the relationship I was in was spiraling out of control and circumstances were too much to handle and honestly in a certain way I was taken advantage because I was in a very vulnerable state...but there I go again, making excuse. What am I even doing bringing this up? Is this the point of the blog? Not exactly. What's the point of anything? Dating someone of course is not the same as being married. Sharing a kiss is not the same as having sex. Ending a relationship is not the same as ending a marriage. What I'm trying to say is maybe, where does love fit into all of this? Where is love in anything?

I grew up in a home where all there was non stop was people yelling at each other. My parents fought all the time. I don't remember hugs and kisses. Hand holding. I just remember learning Spanish through their arguments, slammed doors, and listening to my mom cry and then slowly being her outlet. As the years progressed, as things moved on and situations changed I still never really saw love. Tim seemed to treat my mom well but my mom never seemed satisfied. And after years of the same thing, yelling seemed like the only way you communicate in my home. I hate to yell. What I thought looked like love though wasn't. Or maybe what I tried to force into looking like love. Because yesterday night my stepdad got kicked out and although I'm a state away I can imagine an empty spot above my mom and his bed where their wedding picture hung just a few short days ago.

My love life hasn't been exactly spot on either. When I was fifteen I liked a boy I sat next to who kept asking to borrow a pencil. He never needed a pencil. He just wanted a chance to talk to me. I remember where he asked me to be his girlfriend. Oh high school. I remember the first time he put his arms around me and how strange and comforting it felt to be in a guy's arms. I remember the first time he held my hand. When he sent me a text message and asked me if he could kiss me at school and I freaked out and sent him a text back and told him I didn't think I was ready. But that weekend at the movies watching the movie Taxi I got kissed for the first time, and my second, and my third and my.... Three months later I thought I was in love, and maybe in some sort of high school way, I was, but he broke up with me heading into my last period and I spent the first 15 minutes crying in the bathroom until a security guard found me and then promptly escorted me to the counselor's office. That first heartbreak hurt. A couple months later Jeremy stalked me on a church retreat. Literally stalked me. I should have seen a giant red flag right there. Oh but I fell deep and fast for that older Italian junior who was slightly dangerous, romantic, troubled, and wanted and seemed to need me like I was vital to his survival. He was obsessive and demanding and emotionally abusive. And wanted things I never wanted to give. I always felt like I had to save him from something. Like I had to inspire him to be better than he was being. It wore me down. He wore me down. He would belittle me but then he would do sweet things for me and tell me he would love me and I would get caught. My insecurity and low self-esteem would get the best of me. I just wanted to be loved. Jeremy just got worse. The situation got extremely complicated and my past jumped out of me and my childhood sweetheart showed up in my life. Chase was wonderful and he came all the way from Vegas to come to a dance with me. He did everything right and we were great together. But Jeremy was here, and Chase was there. And Jeremy had promised me forever. He promised to be better. I lost my chance with Chase and took a fool's gamble and lost. Jeremy only wanted to use me up. He became more obsessive and demanding. He began pressuring me more and ignoring me. All Jeremy wanted from me was sex. He pinned me to the bed one day and yelled at me and said if I wouldn't give it to him I didn't love him. When I refused he tried to force his way in. This is love. I managed to free myself. A few days later I was at his house for New Year's. We were alone. Before the clock hit midnight I was driving home crying. Three years down the drain. Just a couple months later I was with Chris. With him, I thought I had it right. I'm shaking right now. I don't want to publicize to the world everything that went wrong with us. I have never loved anyone so much. I don't love anyone so much. This is love.

I see Jamie and Shehan and I smile. I listen to them argue over silly little things and I laugh to myself. They have it right. But maybe it's just them. I'm glad Jamie has it. Whatever this love is. I'm glad maybe it exists.

Fight or Flight

I'm sitting in a room in Jamie and Shehan's lovely home. My thoughts, like always, consume me. I'm not exactly sure what I want to write about. I just know I have to get something out. Oh the repetition of my life. Blah.

I adore the blanket that is wrapped around me. Adore.

Ten years ago it was a Tuesday and I was in 6th grade. I used to use my TV to wake me up in the morning. There was an alarm set to it that at a certain time it would turn on and that would mean I had to wake up and get ready for school. My TV turned on that morning and I woke up to images that I didn't fully understand. It just made my heart sick the way it always does when I know something is wrong.

I sat in the Catholic church here in Bountiful, Utah for about 45 minutes prior to mass starting. It was quite wonderful. My memory had failed me in thinking I had not been there before. Of course though once I stepped inside I was flooded. It was as though I had stepped back into a moment in time and was weighted there, forced to feel everything again. I felt a tug at my hand and expected Diana to be standing there, awkwardly like she would with a smile on her face motioning me to follow her. I froze for a second and blinked and just walked in the opposite direction of where I knew her and I had sat. I wanted to text Erin, to hear something from her but I decided against it. Number one, I was in church and was not going to pull out my phone. Number two, Erin never has been nor ever will be Diana's replacement. I have never considered her that. I never wanted Erin. I never wanted another best friend. Erin just showed up. And then ran through my walls. Of course though, so much rides on our friendship. So much scares me about it. I hate how insecure I am. I wanted to talk to her because I wanted some reassurance. I wanted to make sure she existed. But its silly. So I just stopped myself, sat down and focused on the cross.
I prayed a little. I sang to myself. I sat silently. I looked over the readings and I ached with the idea of how I would proclaim them. Then I took out my journal in my purse and my pen and I began to write. The last sentence I wrote right before mass began was a plea. I'm begging.

I received some unexpected news today. I'm trying to think of a million and one solutions. Funny how all of them involve me. I try, but I can't picture myself out of the picture. I sent a text to my sister. I told her I would take care of her. Her response made me want to cry and run far away into the mountains. But it also made me want to run home to her right now and get everything done.

What exactly are you doing God?

I want to stay here longer...

I'll Stand By You.

I could say so much. But my words really don't matter. Not yet. But when you sang to me, I knew. And it scared me. I'm still scared. Terrified is more the emotion. But I can't keep lying.

It's funny. I always dreamed of someone singing to me and sweeping me off my feet.

This is my favorite song in the whole world.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothin' you confess, could make me love you less

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You're feelin' all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Yeah
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
No, no, no, no, no
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you

Ugh.

You drive me crazy. I want to throw things. Scream at you. Rip my heart out, hand it to you and just fall to pieces. Oh but wait, didn't I already do that? I'm running in circles in my mind right now. Oh how I wish I could really run. I need to escape. You have no idea. You're clueless. I'm tormented.

I was always right there. Handing you the world. But if I remember correctly you just spat on me.

Yet here I am still feeling.

Beginnings

I have this urge to relate every moment that has happened to me this year. In pain staking detail. I want to divulge into my mind, into my heart, into my very soul and lay it down for you to read like a book. I long to be engulfed and understood. For my heart to beat at the exact time with all of you so that for once, I do not feel alone. I got out of the shower and as I wandered toward my dresser searching for something to put on I allowed myself to be consumed by my thoughts. I didn't prevent them from venturing off or warn them away if they darted toward unwanted alleys. I just let them go.

I went out of town this weekend with my family and I was in a hotel room with my sister. I took my shirt off and my head band that hides my ridiculous bald spot came off and I bent down to pick it up. My sister yelled at me and said she hated that she could see my spine. I reached and touched my back and yelled "I'm a dinosaur!" and she just laughed and called me crazy. My left-over eating disorder self smiled inside of me. You can't tell I'm losing weight but I am. It was bound to happen. I don't eat. I'm not trying to starve myself. Food just isn't appealing.

I want to talk about inappropriate things. Things that I shouldn't want to discuss. Things that I should want to keep private. Or in the very least only want to talk about with my best friend. But I've seemed to have been broken. I've lost so much control on everything. I want to create beauty out of despair.

I climbed a mountain this weekend. Okay, I lie. But it might as well have been a mountain. I have no strength. But I willed myself up there. I fell and tears were streaming down my face every step of the way. It was painful and it was so very hard. But I made it. And Matt Maher's "Empty and Beautiful" played loudly in my ears.

Have you ever petted a fly? I have.

I have to start new.