Announcement (finally)

It is my opinion that our biggest mistakes are what shapes our lives, not our biggest success. I believe that if we are intelligent enough to learn from our mistakes and face the consequences head on we become better people. It is in our error that we are humbled and brought face to face with the reality of our humanness. We are sinners and a fallen people.
Yet just as Christ came and died so we may be forgiven, so does His endless mercy flood us in our mistakes. In our brokenness Christ holds us and loves us despite every flaw we have, and gives way to make every mistake turn into a blessing. Sometimes we just have to look really hard to see it, and sometimes it's as plain as the nose on our face. Most importantly however, we need to allow Him into our lives in order to see the beauty in which He reveals.

I have made many mistakes in my life. Probably more than most. I struggle tremendously with various things yet my experiences have shaped me into someone who does not lack the understanding of suffering and struggle and I am able to relate to so many through my compassion. There have been many times where I have gotten lost, but even if I'm hanging by a thread, I have clung to my faith and that has been the pillar of my survival.

I cannot say what anyone's opinion of me is, nor can I fairly judge if that opinion will change drastically in what I am about to reveal. I do know however that God has granted me the greatest blessing in perhaps my silliest mistake. So if I am a disappointment, I am beyond sorry. But my apology only goes toward the negative emotion you feel, not the results of my actions.

I am 17 weeks pregnant and I love my baby more than anything in the world.

To those who have known for months and have supported me, thank you. To those who receive this news and are joyful, thank you. And to those who are disappointed in me, thank you too. I am not unaware of where your feelings come from. However, I wish not to condemn myself, but to celebrate the life that is flourishing so beautifully inside of me. If you cannot join me in my celebration I understand, but really, it more your loss than mine.

September

On September 7th, 2011 I fell in love with you. That morning you surprised me and came and made breakfast for me. We sat outside on my patio and enjoyed each other's company. To me, everything felt so weird. Sitting outside, eating with someone who just a month ago I never wanted to talk to again. Yet everything seemed so natural. The way you smiled at me, and looked directly into my eyes. That odd sensation in my chest that made me feel like I was about to be sick yet was strangely warm and comforting. I couldn't contain my smile. No one had made me feel so special. So...loved.

After breakfast we went into my room and just laid in my bed. You held me and sang to me. No music playing, no lyrics in your hands-just you. Your voice filled my ears and pierced my heart. It was at that moment that I knew where I stood. I had taken a plunge and it was impossible to go back. You swept me away.

A few days later I went to Utah. I was wildly confused about so much. And completely terrified. I didn't know which direction to go, or what choice to make. There was so much more than just you that I needed to figure out. I was wandering and without a home. I never wanted to leave the safety of Jamie's spare bedroom. I didn't know how to start moving forward.

Jamie and Shehan brought me back home. I was more confused than when I had left and I knew so little. But I knew enough, and that's that I needed you.

On the 29th of September you took me to go buy a cowboy hat. You got lost at first and although I laughed at you, I simply thought you were adorable. Although I resisted initially, I allowed you to buy me the hat and then we were off to dinner. I had never been to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but spaghetti is my favorite and it was sweet of you to take me there. Dinner was good, but the company was even better. I couldn't help but keep thinking how cute you looked in your plaid shirt and how much I just wanted to be in your arms.

When we got back to my place we searched for a movie to watch on Netflix. How we got from the movie selection to you asking the question I can't honestly remember. Everything seemed like a blur. The question was simple enough, but I knew how much weighed on this moment. Will I be your girlfriend? Well, how could I not be?


A lot has changed since then and if you were to tell me that we would be where we are almost a year from now I would have thought you were crazy. Maybe have even been offended. That however my dear, is how life works. Completely unpredictable and not at all stable. Sometimes I marvel at the way humanity adapts.

I always wanted a fairy tale type of love. I couldn't help it. The romance in my soul always ached to get out and be paired with someone who shared my emotion. Our love though is not story book material though. It isn't pretty at all. In fact at times it's just downright ugly. But it's real. It's always been real.

Regardless of everything, I have never loved you less. Only more. Maybe that's a flaw in me. Or maybe it's my greatest attribute.

In a couple weeks we won't be celebrating a year anniversary. And that's okay. I think there is more to celebrate than a single memory of a day.

I love you.

School, Life and all that Jazz.

I started school. Graduate school. Catholic graduate school. The fact that I'm a student at Franciscan is still a little overwhelming. I've wanted this for so many more years than I have let on. Sure, I'm still stuck in AZ and my classroom is wherever my laptop takes me but I suppose that's not the point. My lectures, assignments and exams are all from FUS professors. Perhaps during the lectures if I try really hard I can imagine myself in a classroom in Steubenville, Ohio.

I'm excited about my classes. Excited that both my Catechism and Bible will get some much needed work. Excited to dive deeper into my faith and fall more passionately in love. I'm excited to know that although up to this point my life has taken too many unwanted turns and I'm not where I want to be, in this I have a plan. My dreams are still very much in reach. Sinner though I am, I'm still answering yes to His call.

And nearly equally important, I do this for you.