Right before I gave my final push while delivering my daughter I said a Hail Mary out loud. My thought in that moment was more than me needing some divine intervention or a release from the pain of childbirth. I wanted Mary's strength and her selflessness. I wanted to tap into her perfect motherhood as I knew mine was about to truly begin. More than anything did I not want to fail. I never want to fail my daughter.
I should have everything right now and be at the top of the world, but I'm not. I just sit here with pieces of my life scattered on the ground and my hands too full to pick any of them up. My thoughts consume me, my fear runs me into the ground and my paranoia weakens my soul. I can't live this way but everything is beyond my control. I'm powerless. Constantly I need to be comforted and reassured but the peace ends as quickly as it begins. I'm trying so hard to remain standing but I can't take much more.
My promises bind me, and my love holds me still.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Minutes to Spare
Right now I feel like I need a day where I can catch up. A day where I can discuss my state of mind, and the absolute beautiful journey that is motherhood. I desire to go on and on about my perfect little baby girl and the happenings of our life together. I want to explain everything my heart feels and release all my emotions out here in front of me, open for anyone to read. But time is not on my side. For now, I just want to say this:
There was a moment when you came and laid down next to me on the floor and I stared into your eyes. Our daughter lay asleep in her crib, and we whispered to each other. A sudden fear swept me, and then was quickly consumed by a rush of unwavering love that I have quietly reserved for you. I heard our daughter sigh as I studied your face. If I had an ounce of artistic talent, I could close my eyes and draw you perfectly from memory. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to freeze time, staring at you forever and listening to Alexis breathe. I don't want to let us go.
God made me out a certain type of armor. This I'm sure.
There was a moment when you came and laid down next to me on the floor and I stared into your eyes. Our daughter lay asleep in her crib, and we whispered to each other. A sudden fear swept me, and then was quickly consumed by a rush of unwavering love that I have quietly reserved for you. I heard our daughter sigh as I studied your face. If I had an ounce of artistic talent, I could close my eyes and draw you perfectly from memory. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to freeze time, staring at you forever and listening to Alexis breathe. I don't want to let us go.
God made me out a certain type of armor. This I'm sure.
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