Right before I gave my final push while delivering my daughter I said a Hail Mary out loud. My thought in that moment was more than me needing some divine intervention or a release from the pain of childbirth. I wanted Mary's strength and her selflessness. I wanted to tap into her perfect motherhood as I knew mine was about to truly begin. More than anything did I not want to fail. I never want to fail my daughter.

I should have everything right now and be at the top of the world, but I'm not. I just sit here with pieces of my life scattered on the ground and my hands too full to pick any of them up. My thoughts consume me, my fear runs me into the ground and my paranoia weakens my soul. I can't live this way but everything is beyond my control. I'm powerless. Constantly I need to be comforted and reassured but the peace ends as quickly as it begins. I'm trying so hard to remain standing but I can't take much more.

My promises bind me, and my love holds me still.