Stumbling through Darkness

"There is so much contradiction in my soul. Such deep longing for God, so deep that it is painful, a suffering continual, and yet not wanted by God, repulsed, empty, no faith, no love no zeal". -St. Teresa of Calcutta

Mother Teresa wrote the above in one of her letters in her book "Come Be My light" that I just adore. I have friends that mention to me that they're going through a dark season and essentially waiting out the storm. They know things will get better.  But what if that's not the case for me? What if my season of darkness is just the life God gave me? My disposition has never been sunny and it took me years to accept that about myself.  I don't feel joy as others feel joy. But despair? I only hope others don't feel it as intense as me.

You may call me dramatic but I have never really seen it that way. Oh sure, I can be as dramatic as they come but its more than that.  My life has never been easy.  I've suffered in countless ways and I'm honestly not even complaining right now.  I'm just reflecting and trying to find a way to draw strength.

I received a promotion on Tuesday. Then Tuesday night I could've sworn I was going to die. My vision was like there was sand in my eyes.  My head spun out of control and I couldn't stop my hands and body from trembling violently, yet in slow motion.  Then my legs lost feeling except this dull tingling sensation.  Everything happened so fast yet so slow. My face was frozen and not cooperating. At one point I lost the ability to speak. But my mind! My mind was all there.  It was screaming.  It was crying.  It was in total fear.  It was thinking and analyzing but no one could understand.  Frustration welled in my heart as doctors, nurses,  paramedics,  and family all made assumptions and projections and I couldn't do a thing.  I just slipped in and out of consciousness and finally gave in to sleep.

Nearly a week later and my body is frail.  My muscle weakness terrifies me. I'm tired.  So very tired.

The goals I set for myself are fading further away.  I begin to panic if I think too much about it.  I was working hard.  I was going to work harder.  But now....

I am incredibly blessed.  I've dodged death multiple times.  My children are beautiful.  My husband fights his own demons heroically and the potential of our marriage has yet to be reached.  I owe God everything.

Yet here I am,  walking in the darkness. The torment in my soul in unparalleled. But I'll still stumble praying one day on this side of Heaven, I'll see some light.

Sleepless Nights

I wish I could sleep.  I'm caught up in the desire for morning to come so I can just busy myself in my work and drown out the noise.  But I also want time to stop moving so I can get some much needed rest. I'm so tired. I'm so very tired.

What do we do when we stop pointing fingers and take a good long look in the mirror? Does truth make a habit of hiding? Or are we all just naturally terrible at finding it?

When do you give in and realize you can't stop the bleeding? When do you stop, take a deep breath and call it? When is it too late?

Take deep breaths.  In and out. When you ask me to count to 10, who are you really asking for?

Good Enough

I'm really good at pushing through the darkness. Until I'm not.

I'm great at putting my head down and getting the job done.  Until I'm not.

I'm incredible at ignoring my demons and fighting past everything they say. Until I'm not.

That is the repetition of my life.  Read my previous blogs and you'll see it.  Close to 30 years of just running in circles.  Thirty years of gasping for air and swimming in currents I have no business swimming in.  I'm a fighter.  I'm a survivor.  But I'm also weak. I'm frail.  I'm broken.

I used to blog a lot.  I've always had a lot to say but could never really speak it out loud.  It was a release. An escape. A coping mechanism. But slowly life got in the way.  Cancer happened.  Love happened.  Unexpected pregnancy. Motherhood.  Marriage.  The already low on the totem pole of my self care became increasingly smaller.  I just retreated further into my head until all the words stayed there. Every now and then I'd blurt something out.  Just like now, things would get bad enough that I couldn't just hold it in.  I'd wave the white flag for all to see just to realize no one was really looking anyway.  I flew under the radar and I wondered if I should be proud of my invisibility or mourn from it.  It's a tricky life when all you've ever wanted was to be noticed and cared for but you're constantly running away.

My thoughts don't make much sense these days.  Perhaps they never did.  I could romanticize the anguish that lives deep inside my heart daily but I think I'm too old for that bull shit. Days get shorter, years move quicker and I'm still so much that little girl crying next to an Aquafina machine every day at school.  But there I go again selling myself short. I'm more than that, I know this deep down.  But she still lives there and knows what buttons to push.

Easy they come, easy they go
I jump from the train, I ride off alone
I never grew up, it's getting so old
Help me hold onto you
I've been the archer
I've been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?

Make fun of me all you want but that Taylor Swift has always spoken to my heart.  I have no scares.  Only more questions.  Uncertainty is the state of my existence.  My type A personality is screaming and I have no idea how to shut her up.  Chaos. It's all chaos. 

I'm losing the game friends. I've been losing for a long time.  And my best isn't good enough anymore.