Stumbling through Darkness

"There is so much contradiction in my soul. Such deep longing for God, so deep that it is painful, a suffering continual, and yet not wanted by God, repulsed, empty, no faith, no love no zeal". -St. Teresa of Calcutta

Mother Teresa wrote the above in one of her letters in her book "Come Be My light" that I just adore. I have friends that mention to me that they're going through a dark season and essentially waiting out the storm. They know things will get better.  But what if that's not the case for me? What if my season of darkness is just the life God gave me? My disposition has never been sunny and it took me years to accept that about myself.  I don't feel joy as others feel joy. But despair? I only hope others don't feel it as intense as me.

You may call me dramatic but I have never really seen it that way. Oh sure, I can be as dramatic as they come but its more than that.  My life has never been easy.  I've suffered in countless ways and I'm honestly not even complaining right now.  I'm just reflecting and trying to find a way to draw strength.

I received a promotion on Tuesday. Then Tuesday night I could've sworn I was going to die. My vision was like there was sand in my eyes.  My head spun out of control and I couldn't stop my hands and body from trembling violently, yet in slow motion.  Then my legs lost feeling except this dull tingling sensation.  Everything happened so fast yet so slow. My face was frozen and not cooperating. At one point I lost the ability to speak. But my mind! My mind was all there.  It was screaming.  It was crying.  It was in total fear.  It was thinking and analyzing but no one could understand.  Frustration welled in my heart as doctors, nurses,  paramedics,  and family all made assumptions and projections and I couldn't do a thing.  I just slipped in and out of consciousness and finally gave in to sleep.

Nearly a week later and my body is frail.  My muscle weakness terrifies me. I'm tired.  So very tired.

The goals I set for myself are fading further away.  I begin to panic if I think too much about it.  I was working hard.  I was going to work harder.  But now....

I am incredibly blessed.  I've dodged death multiple times.  My children are beautiful.  My husband fights his own demons heroically and the potential of our marriage has yet to be reached.  I owe God everything.

Yet here I am,  walking in the darkness. The torment in my soul in unparalleled. But I'll still stumble praying one day on this side of Heaven, I'll see some light.