Aftershock

Is there anyone out there? Will anyone stay? I pick up the phone to just put it down. It was easier two weeks ago. But life goes on for everyone.  My life remains still. 

I'll say what I want on this.  A piece of media that no one knows exists. I barely exist as it is.  I'm certainly not the same person I was 21 days ago. I'm a shell of that person but I have been robbed of everything I once loved.

Auggie had just been born.  My precious son that gave me such joy.

We didn't mean anything to him. 

He said he felt like we had lost something.  But he didn't tell me anything.  He didn't communicate with me.  All he had to was talk to me.  He admitted all the porn didn't help.  But what did I do that chased him into another woman's arms?

Nothing. I did nothing. 

But he went anyway. 

How do I get over this? How do I get over the fact that he had me leave our home with two kids on a trip to see my family? Convinced me he couldn't go with me all so he could sleep with another woman in our first home? How do I get over that he kept it from me for four years? And that he kept secrets after secrets for nearly 10 years? How do I believe he ever loved me? How do I believe that if I continued on the lies wouldn't just continue?

Why after everything do I still love him? Why do I miss him? Why do I feel like I need him? What's so broken in me that these are my feelings?

I know I deserve better. 

I really wish everything could end.