For the past 10 days I've just been brewing. You get news that you're cancer free and you think you'd be rejoicing. Floating on air. Yet only bits of happiness reached my heart. I was more shocked than anything else. Weary. Unsure. Then in a few days after, the bitterness flooded. The realization that I went through all of this in a way that I shouldn't have. The realization that I simply just went through it. I hit a point that my "fight" left me because I didn't need to fight any more. I won. Then my already broken mental state went from really bad to disastrous and like usual no one was there to catch me or even see me fall.
I don't really blame anyone, oh but I blame everyone. It isn't fair to, but no one was fair to me. Who does that?!? Who leaves a person like me alone? Every day? Who allows them to be swallowed by pain? By every kind of suffering imaginable? Who allows them to deteriorate every passing moment? Oh, but you didn't see it all, did you? Of course not. Because no one was there!!!!!!!!! Just me. I live with my self. Out of sight, out of mind. No one can handle it. No one knows how to deal with death. No one can even handle freaking life. What kind of friends do I have? What defines friends? People who come throw me a party because I'm better now? Oh hey now you want to hang out. Yeah, let's drink. Oh Stephanie you're so much fun. Well screw that. I needed you when I was dying.
I'm still not being fair. There were moments when people stopped on by. Far and in between but there were moments. Though there was that message. Sent from my best friend who couldn't handle me, even when she wasn't here much herself.
How many nights were spent just in my room crying? How many dinners did I eat alone? How many weekends did I spend all by myself? How many seizures did I have with no one around? How many times did I fall and no one was around and I had bruises on my already battered body? How many noises attacks did I have and I had no one there to calm me down after? How many screams went unanswered? Too fucking many.
And now? I'm still invisible. Yesterday was my biggest proof.
I don't know what to do with what I feel. I just want to disappear. Last night I asked Michael to run away with me. I have nothing virtually but this apartment that at the moment I can't even pay. But he wouldn't give me the answer I was looking for.
I hate that as I stood at my window staring out at my porch looking at the empty Corona bottle and a knife I wanted both of them. Not the Corona to drink, but the glass. I wanted to break it and I had to use every ounce of my will power to restrain myself. I want to be destructive.
I'm angry at God right now and it's such bad timing as Holy week approaches. I'm so angry. I can't believe He did this. I feel betrayed. I can't believe she's doing this.
I just want everything to be over.
I need to leave. Probably forever.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Standing By Me
Just a few minutes ago I stood facing my bathroom, away from my mirror brushing my hair. I had just gotten out of the shower and my music was playing. The Glee version of "I'll Stand By You" came on and my heart twinged a little and I took a small step to change the song but I stopped myself. I took a step back, leaned against my counter, continued brushing my hair and began singing along. It didn't take me long to start crying.
If you pay attention to my life (or blogs and have a good memory) this particular song has a special meaning for me. Michael sang me this song and it was in that moment that my heart surrendered itself to him. Literally. I melted and for the first time in my life I felt completely secure in the arms of a man. He was everything I wanted and I was swept away. We've been together for almost half a year now, and although that doesn't seem very long at all, we've already been through so much. There needs to be a special type of man to love me. Not because I'm a special type of woman but because I'm just so much work. I try not to be. Honestly. However maybe all my effort makes more work.
Like usual, I'm a mess. A huge mess. There is this gaping hole inside my chest that seems to just be getting bigger and bigger. I'm not quite sure what to do.
"Take me in, into your darkest hour". My entire life, no one has ever been there. In that moment I hold others at a distance. I'm too vulnerable. I don't think anyone can survive it anyway.
How simple promises are phrased like "I'll stand by you" and "I'll never desert you". Yet how often they're broken.
If you pay attention to my life (or blogs and have a good memory) this particular song has a special meaning for me. Michael sang me this song and it was in that moment that my heart surrendered itself to him. Literally. I melted and for the first time in my life I felt completely secure in the arms of a man. He was everything I wanted and I was swept away. We've been together for almost half a year now, and although that doesn't seem very long at all, we've already been through so much. There needs to be a special type of man to love me. Not because I'm a special type of woman but because I'm just so much work. I try not to be. Honestly. However maybe all my effort makes more work.
Like usual, I'm a mess. A huge mess. There is this gaping hole inside my chest that seems to just be getting bigger and bigger. I'm not quite sure what to do.
"Take me in, into your darkest hour". My entire life, no one has ever been there. In that moment I hold others at a distance. I'm too vulnerable. I don't think anyone can survive it anyway.
How simple promises are phrased like "I'll stand by you" and "I'll never desert you". Yet how often they're broken.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Misdirection.
I don't think I have ever been more misrepresented. I'm not sure I have ever been more misunderstood and accused of so many things. I have never been so attacked at all levels before. I've never felt like wanting to just walk out because I will never be listened to even if I chose to speak. Chose to defend myself and explain my point of view for once instead of sitting quietly like I so often do and just take the abuse. How funny it is that all those in my life just point out my flaws. They just tear at me and tear at me. You do this wrong and this. You make me feel that, and that. It's funny because you all confuse me. For one moment you're telling me how great I am and the next you're telling me how terrible I make you feel. Then you wonder why I can't seem to fully love myself.
What gets me is when the pointing of flaws are lies. When I know they're lies. When I know that isn't the truth at all. When I know that you just don't get it and have no idea what the hell is going on. But I let it go and it becomes my truth anyway. I feed off of it.
I get so mad sometimes. I want to defend myself. I want you to know how you make me feel without these assumptions. But your reaction to everything sucks.
I try harder than everyone else but I'm the one that gets no credit, not you.
To live like I want is a tragedy filled with saints and sinners.
To resist what I did. To have sat there and cried. To have stood there and shaken. To have been everywhere I was and felt everything I did and resisted.
No one will understand the crosses I carry.
God alone.
What gets me is when the pointing of flaws are lies. When I know they're lies. When I know that isn't the truth at all. When I know that you just don't get it and have no idea what the hell is going on. But I let it go and it becomes my truth anyway. I feed off of it.
I get so mad sometimes. I want to defend myself. I want you to know how you make me feel without these assumptions. But your reaction to everything sucks.
I try harder than everyone else but I'm the one that gets no credit, not you.
To live like I want is a tragedy filled with saints and sinners.
To resist what I did. To have sat there and cried. To have stood there and shaken. To have been everywhere I was and felt everything I did and resisted.
No one will understand the crosses I carry.
God alone.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
60%
When I received my news on Wednesday afternoon I didn't quite know how to take it. My immediate response was relief. I was almost giddy. I wanted to call Erin. More than that. I wanted to run to wherever she was and grab her by the arms and shake her. See I told you! I wasn't going to die. Then all of a sudden I felt anxious. Uneasy. I couldn't pinpoint it. Regardless I needed to tell someone. I text Erin first and told her to call me as soon as possible. Then I text Michael, and April. I waited by my phone hoping Erin would call first. She didn't and so I busted out my news to the person who replied the quickest. When I finally said the word, even with the word "partial" in front of it, it sounded so good. Remission.
Erin eventually called me, as did Michael. I told Jamie. I text my friend Kat who has been wonderful and keeps tabs on me every day even from her location in Chicago. My little sister was the first person I told in person and her face lit up. There it is-the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to get better.
I still have so much left to travel in this whole cancer ordeal. I know this. And as far as recovery and healing from it? That's an entirely different battle. But I'm going to get better. I'm scared about a lot of things. I'm never going to be the same and that terrifies me because I don't know how to function outside of this illness anymore. I'm afraid of never being able to do everything I used to and most likely, I won't. I'm terrified that it will come back. That I'll get a few good years. Or maybe some great long years. Twenty or so, but then it'll come back. However I also know that I can't live in my fear. God is bigger than everything. He has performed miracle after miracle in my life. I just need to keep trusting Him and allowing His grace to lead me wherever He wants it to.
(At my anointing ceremony. My sister laid her hands on me and said a prayer over me and then kissed my cheek)
Erin eventually called me, as did Michael. I told Jamie. I text my friend Kat who has been wonderful and keeps tabs on me every day even from her location in Chicago. My little sister was the first person I told in person and her face lit up. There it is-the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to get better.
I still have so much left to travel in this whole cancer ordeal. I know this. And as far as recovery and healing from it? That's an entirely different battle. But I'm going to get better. I'm scared about a lot of things. I'm never going to be the same and that terrifies me because I don't know how to function outside of this illness anymore. I'm afraid of never being able to do everything I used to and most likely, I won't. I'm terrified that it will come back. That I'll get a few good years. Or maybe some great long years. Twenty or so, but then it'll come back. However I also know that I can't live in my fear. God is bigger than everything. He has performed miracle after miracle in my life. I just need to keep trusting Him and allowing His grace to lead me wherever He wants it to.
(At my anointing ceremony. My sister laid her hands on me and said a prayer over me and then kissed my cheek)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Diocesan Retreat 2012
I was not ready for this weekend. I wasn't prepared for any of it. I was not healthy enough for it. Mentally, physically and even admittedly, spiritually. However up that mountain I went and as anxious as I was I couldn't have predicted the way things occurred.
Perhaps I should back up a little as to not fully confuse my faithful readers who have no idea what I'm talking about. Though that may be just one person. This weekend I went to a Diocesan retreat in Williams, Arizona with my teens. We left Friday afternoon. The days leading up to Friday were extremely difficult on me. My chemo dosage had been raised and although it ended Thursday that week was very rough. In addition I had been battling a cold and what seemed to be a UTI. I was miserable and in more pain than I could handle. I was sleep-deprived and irritable and ultimately just not in the best shape to go on a retreat. My personal life was not exactly the best either. My boyfriend and I weren't exactly on the same page and although nothing extremely major had happened, we just didn't seem to be clicking. I felt distraught and empty and as though I was missing a part of me. Regardless, I got on that bus Friday afternoon for my teens and prayed to God to give me strength.
It was Jordan who asked first. Tyler and Zach had recently tackled me in the game room in the middle of my foosball game with a couple of my girls. Jordan then walked up after them and came up to me and said "I didn't know you'd be here. Where have you been all these months?" I couldn't think of anything to say.
During first session I'm following my girls frantically trying to keep up with them as they run to the stage to get to the front. We get settled and within a few minutes I see April just a few people away from me and we run to each other and hug and then I realize that my teens are right next to St. Anne. I look around and for a second I can't breathe. I feel my legs start to buckle and I lock my knee. April brings Jana to me and Jana hugs me and I momentarily snap out of it. Then Adrianna shows up and is squeezing me and then Ana and I'm just too overwhelmed. I try to focus on the music but I just begin feeling sick. I try focusing on my teens but everyone is blurring together. My heart hurts. As the session begins I focus more. I ask God for strength. I ask Him to help me get through the night. I listen to all the talks and I watch my teens take the messages in. I watch them praise and worship. When the night ends and we get up to leave another teen from St. Anne, Jacque, runs up to me and hugs me and begins crying and asks, "Why aren't you with us anymore?" All I can say is it wasn't my choice. She just turns around and walks away. Another girl sees me and comes running at me and throws herself into my arms. Another one stands frozen on the steps crying just staring at me and I have to walk up to her and embrace her. She just keeps crying over and over again saying, "I'm so glad you're okay." Aaron comes up to me and opens his mouth to say something, but then just walks off with his head down. I look up and I see my teens, my new teens, looking at me, waiting for me at the top of the stairs. I walk up to them and one of them, Kim, asks, "are your teens okay?" And with tears in my eyes I looked at her and said "I don't know, are you? You're my teens." And she hugged me really tight.
I couldn't sleep that night. I felt tormented. I felt angry that so many of those teens at St. Anne think I just left them. It's more than just my reputation. It isn't fair to them. Not a single thing is handled properly at the parish. I love those kids so much and I always will. They deserve the truth. I won't ever get an apology and that's fine. So be it. This is is bigger than me. They hurt a lot of teens too and I'm fed up with it all.
I could probably say more on the subject but I'm not going to waste my time. The teens of St. Anne and of course Michael, April and Katrina were faithful to me as they always have been. The parishes merged throughout the weekend during session and although it had it's struggles it was nice to see everyone and know how truly loved I am by those teens. However it was more than that. Every second I spend doing anything youth ministry related my heart is just on fire. And in those little moments when I walk up behind a teen talking about me when they think I'm not around and they're going off about how funny and awesome I am and I'm completely blown away because honestly, the things I do, I don't even try. I work hard, yes. But I'm just me. And to be loved for who I am and to know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is calling me to serve these teens and any teen that God puts in my path is the greatest joy in my life. When I watched my teens perform their song during the talent show I was the proudest person in the world. My heart swelled and tears filled my eyes. I love them so much. I want to do this forever.
This weekend also showed me something else. I've known that I'm called to be a youth minister for quite some time now. I've also known that I'm called to one day be a wife. However it wasn't really until this weekend that it hit me I'm called, truly and completely called to be Michael Ryan Gray's wife. This just isn't something that I want. Or even something Michael wants. This is something God is inviting me to choose. Michael is God's will for me. He always has been. I love Michael so much. We aren't even close being perfect. But our love is made perfect through Him and I want to seek Heaven with Michael by my side.
I'm in a lot of pain right now from how exhausted this weekend has left me. I could write a whole other mess of a blog talking about my limitations and frustration and what this retreat did to me there. For now though I should just leave it where it is. I'm on some sort of journey. Tomorrow is another day.
Perhaps I should back up a little as to not fully confuse my faithful readers who have no idea what I'm talking about. Though that may be just one person. This weekend I went to a Diocesan retreat in Williams, Arizona with my teens. We left Friday afternoon. The days leading up to Friday were extremely difficult on me. My chemo dosage had been raised and although it ended Thursday that week was very rough. In addition I had been battling a cold and what seemed to be a UTI. I was miserable and in more pain than I could handle. I was sleep-deprived and irritable and ultimately just not in the best shape to go on a retreat. My personal life was not exactly the best either. My boyfriend and I weren't exactly on the same page and although nothing extremely major had happened, we just didn't seem to be clicking. I felt distraught and empty and as though I was missing a part of me. Regardless, I got on that bus Friday afternoon for my teens and prayed to God to give me strength.
It was Jordan who asked first. Tyler and Zach had recently tackled me in the game room in the middle of my foosball game with a couple of my girls. Jordan then walked up after them and came up to me and said "I didn't know you'd be here. Where have you been all these months?" I couldn't think of anything to say.
During first session I'm following my girls frantically trying to keep up with them as they run to the stage to get to the front. We get settled and within a few minutes I see April just a few people away from me and we run to each other and hug and then I realize that my teens are right next to St. Anne. I look around and for a second I can't breathe. I feel my legs start to buckle and I lock my knee. April brings Jana to me and Jana hugs me and I momentarily snap out of it. Then Adrianna shows up and is squeezing me and then Ana and I'm just too overwhelmed. I try to focus on the music but I just begin feeling sick. I try focusing on my teens but everyone is blurring together. My heart hurts. As the session begins I focus more. I ask God for strength. I ask Him to help me get through the night. I listen to all the talks and I watch my teens take the messages in. I watch them praise and worship. When the night ends and we get up to leave another teen from St. Anne, Jacque, runs up to me and hugs me and begins crying and asks, "Why aren't you with us anymore?" All I can say is it wasn't my choice. She just turns around and walks away. Another girl sees me and comes running at me and throws herself into my arms. Another one stands frozen on the steps crying just staring at me and I have to walk up to her and embrace her. She just keeps crying over and over again saying, "I'm so glad you're okay." Aaron comes up to me and opens his mouth to say something, but then just walks off with his head down. I look up and I see my teens, my new teens, looking at me, waiting for me at the top of the stairs. I walk up to them and one of them, Kim, asks, "are your teens okay?" And with tears in my eyes I looked at her and said "I don't know, are you? You're my teens." And she hugged me really tight.
I couldn't sleep that night. I felt tormented. I felt angry that so many of those teens at St. Anne think I just left them. It's more than just my reputation. It isn't fair to them. Not a single thing is handled properly at the parish. I love those kids so much and I always will. They deserve the truth. I won't ever get an apology and that's fine. So be it. This is is bigger than me. They hurt a lot of teens too and I'm fed up with it all.
I could probably say more on the subject but I'm not going to waste my time. The teens of St. Anne and of course Michael, April and Katrina were faithful to me as they always have been. The parishes merged throughout the weekend during session and although it had it's struggles it was nice to see everyone and know how truly loved I am by those teens. However it was more than that. Every second I spend doing anything youth ministry related my heart is just on fire. And in those little moments when I walk up behind a teen talking about me when they think I'm not around and they're going off about how funny and awesome I am and I'm completely blown away because honestly, the things I do, I don't even try. I work hard, yes. But I'm just me. And to be loved for who I am and to know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is calling me to serve these teens and any teen that God puts in my path is the greatest joy in my life. When I watched my teens perform their song during the talent show I was the proudest person in the world. My heart swelled and tears filled my eyes. I love them so much. I want to do this forever.
This weekend also showed me something else. I've known that I'm called to be a youth minister for quite some time now. I've also known that I'm called to one day be a wife. However it wasn't really until this weekend that it hit me I'm called, truly and completely called to be Michael Ryan Gray's wife. This just isn't something that I want. Or even something Michael wants. This is something God is inviting me to choose. Michael is God's will for me. He always has been. I love Michael so much. We aren't even close being perfect. But our love is made perfect through Him and I want to seek Heaven with Michael by my side.
I'm in a lot of pain right now from how exhausted this weekend has left me. I could write a whole other mess of a blog talking about my limitations and frustration and what this retreat did to me there. For now though I should just leave it where it is. I'm on some sort of journey. Tomorrow is another day.
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