Standing By Me

Just a few minutes ago I stood facing my bathroom, away from my mirror brushing my hair. I had just gotten out of the shower and my music was playing. The Glee version of "I'll Stand By You" came on and my heart twinged a little and I took a small step to change the song but I stopped myself. I took a step back, leaned against my counter, continued brushing my hair and began singing along. It didn't take me long to start crying.

If you pay attention to my life (or blogs and have a good memory) this particular song has a special meaning for me. Michael sang me this song and it was in that moment that my heart surrendered itself to him. Literally. I melted and for the first time in my life I felt completely secure in the arms of a man. He was everything I wanted and I was swept away. We've been together for almost half a year now, and although that doesn't seem very long at all, we've already been through so much. There needs to be a special type of man to love me. Not because I'm a special type of woman but because I'm just so much work. I try not to be. Honestly. However maybe all my effort makes more work.

Like usual, I'm a mess. A huge mess. There is this gaping hole inside my chest that seems to just be getting bigger and bigger. I'm not quite sure what to do.

"Take me in, into your darkest hour". My entire life, no one has ever been there. In that moment I hold others at a distance. I'm too vulnerable. I don't think anyone can survive it anyway.

How simple promises are phrased like "I'll stand by you" and "I'll never desert you". Yet how often they're broken.