I will be openly honest and say out loud that I have sought help. I have been going to counseling for about two months and my last session was extremely eye opening. For about a week I felt rejuvenated. I felt like I had begun walking down a path that actually might lead somewhere. I felt hope and for perhaps the first time in my life I felt like I was not broken. Then this weekend I just started crying and crying. Welcome to depression.
I am okay though. I know I am okay. I understand that this surge is a mixture of hormones combined with the cross that I will forever have to carry. I have come to terms with my cross and slowly have come to embrace it. I often think of St. Teresa of Calcutta and the darkness she experienced and I know I'm in a good company. Not that I am anywhere near being a saint. I'm simply a work in progress.
There is something that bothers me though. Something that has haunted me since I was a child. Often I thought it might be a byproduct of my depression. Lately though I have come to question if it is something entirely different. Perhaps I actually have more control over it than I realized. I just have no idea how to actually regain that control.
I am unbelievably lonely and I don't know how to take a step forward. I am cemented in my lack of confidence, social awkwardness and natural introverted tendencies and I have no idea how to break free. I cannot pinpoint if my inability to create a community stems from the amount of times people I have loved have broken me or simply a defect in my personality. My gut tells me it's a combination of both. Regardless of the reasoning, the older I get the worse I feel. As much as I love my best friend that is my darling husband, I long to have strong female friendships in close proximity to me. I need to have the opportunity to enjoy someone over a cup of coffee and have them equally enjoy me. I need someone who will pray for me, pray with me, love my children and be an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Without trying to sound too much like I'm writing a dating ad, I need someone to authentically love me.
Once again however, I have no idea where to start. I do not know how to take a step. Fear overpowers me, anxiety floods me and despair torments me.
So I'll keep praying. Praying for opportunities and for the courage to take those opportunities. Praying for time and for patience. But mostly praying for a whole world that is filled with lonely people. Because I know how devastating this feeling is and I know that we all need more love in our lives.
"Look upon me, have pity on me,
for I am alone and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart;
bring me out of my distress.
Look upon my affliction and suffering;
take away all my sins.
See how many are my enemies,
see how fiercely they hate me.
Preserve my soul and rescue me;
do not let me be disgraced, for in you I seek refuge.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me;
I wait for you, O LORD." Psalm 25:16-21
