Help Me.

I don't even know where I should begin. I'm holding my little snowglobe of Princess Aurora and Prince Phillip in my hand and I just want to cry. Once Upon A Dream. I have a string of Taylor Swift lyrics in my head. Actually, my favorite song from her Fearless album. You win major points if you know it. Though I doubt none of you do. Can you gather some vague context clues?

I'm afraid of everything I feel and everything I don't feel. I can't make any decisions for myself. I need someone to take everything away from me and do it all. Spoon feed me. Carry me. Supply me the very air I breathe.

I've never been here before.

I can't even write on this.

Get it Right.

Without April right now, I would come unglued.

I feel slaughtered. I want to explain how I feel but the finger just gets pointed back to me. I have a target on my back. I don't want to argue. Or yell, or be yelled at.

Entering into tomorrow without the support and love that I need, I don't know how to do this. It's actually not even tomorrow I'm worried about. Continuing on at all like this with my relationships falling apart. My doctor told me I wouldn't survive without healthy relationships. I don't have a single one.

I wish I was still following Jesus with a candle in my hand singing with over a hundred other devoted Catholics. I wish my senses were still overwhelmed with incense.

I just want to disappear.

I love Glee.

"Get it Right"
What have I done?
I wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders


What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?


Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this.
I just have to stay and face mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?


So if I throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish and I'll send up a prayer
And then finally someone will see how much I care


What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?

Yesterday was a bad day. An extremely bad day. There isn't a reason to detail it. Or even to describe my emotions. I just don't understand that from the very moment I woke up it could by every second get worse.

Usually when I do something wrong, I know. When someone is upset with me I have an idea why. At the moment I'm just confused and hurt. I don't understand anything and I don't need this. I'm tired of never feeling good enough. Of always feeling like I'm a screw up. Some terrible person. And I don't even have a rational reason for it. It's just this emotion I can't shake. I feel diseased. I just cried and cried last night to Desmond asking him to answer all my questions. But all he could do was snuggle his tiny body closer to me and whimper too.

I just want to stop trying.

Re-encounter Joy in Faith

I refuse to admit that I'm something special. That my story one day will be told. My contribution to this world will hopefully go far, but unknowingly. Ultimately I want a career in a "seed" ministry. I'll never fully see the fruits of my labor and I'm fine with that. I don't want my name remembered, I want my message to be heard.

It's no secret I'm losing my mind. Perhaps I've already lost it. It isn't a secret that I have a world of problems and not all of them are medical. I don't deny my brokenness and I've come to a point where I've even stopped trying to mask it. I'm unable to mask it.

My faith in God is something that for many years has kept me above water. However there have been things lately that have made my faith, stagnate, if you will. Mostly my own selfishness. My own sin. It's been difficult for me to really dive into the type of prayer I'm accustomed to when I've severed my relationship with my God due to my actions.

For some odd reason my work in ministry hasn't suffered due to my sinfulness. Whether that by just pure grace or whatnot, I don't know. I never teach in error. However I'm ignorant to think that my teens are truly getting the best of me. I'm cheating them. So perhaps my previous statement is a lie. A way to make myself feel better. My work in youth ministry is suffering.

During Mass with Bishop Olmsted, his Excellency read a poem by Jessica Powers called "God is a Strange Lover" and a part really hit home to me.

God is the strangest of all lovers; His ways are past explaining. 
He sets His heart on a soul; He says to Himself, "Here will I rest my love" 
But He does not woo her with flowers or jewels or words that are set to music, 
no name endearing, no kindled praise His heart's direction prove.
His jealousy is an infinite thing. He stalks the soul with sorrows;
He tramples the bloom; he blots the sun that could make her vision dim.
He robs and breaks and destroys-there is nothing at last but her own shame, her own affliction,
and then He comes and there is nothing in the vast world but Him and her love of Him. 

God made my day today. I owe him my life. Really Steph. What are you doing.

Overrated Sense.

I'm in such a weird place right now. Don't take step backs. Don't take step backs. I feel so overwhelmed. So lost. So... empty, alone, forgotten, betrayed, unimportant, forsaken, desolate, needy, desperate, invisible, fragile, weak, hurt... Touch me and I'll crumble right before you.

Did today happen? My heart is so...

I can't describe anything.

Support.

No steps back. 


                                                                   Hold me and don't let go. Anyone. Please. I'm begging you. 


I'm in a daze where nothing is real.

Read my journal. It's a beautiful representation of insanity.

That one day? It won't come.

I want to climb the mountain to fight for what I believe in.

Limitations no way.

One step, then another.

Basckstreet Boys. That's what currently playing on my ipod right now. I would put it louder if I could but alas, Erin's little speakers only produce so much sound and I have yet to magically fix my computer on my own. The last five songs that have played have been so random. Hah. Oh, and now Whitney Houston. I love this song.

I've been afraid to blog. To think. To express myself. I take my journal out even to write and I stop myself. I feel trapped.

Every day I'm losing.

I liked you sitting here. Never enough.

I want to run. Always run.

What am I running from?

Everything hurts so much. Weakness permeates every part of me. I'm so tired.

I want to understand what's going on and how to prevent myself from losing grip on the tiny bit of reality I still have.

Every moment is...

"I Hear Voices All The Time"

I'm my biggest critic. I push myself to my breaking point and then past it all the while screaming at myself to do better. Try harder. Love more. Take less. I'm never satisfied with the job I do. There is always something that could have been made better at the work of my hands. I do my best but there is this part of me that just screams "do better". I have this engine inside of me that never stops. This voice that won't be silenced. However there comes a problem when you're handed a body that decides to stop functioning. There comes a problem when everything not only you want to do, but need to do you suddenly can't seem to. Madness seeps in.

I'm tired of the weight comments. Funny, I've waited my whole life to hear things like "you're too skinny" but the way it's being said to me pisses me off. I keep getting food thrown at me. I'm actually not "too skinny". Yeah, fine. I'm not fat. I'm not tiny though. Oh, and I'm not starving myself or purposely throwing up everything I consume. And starting tomorrow, it's going to get worse. I'm sorry I'm sick. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. As I'm writing this my dad just brings me a plate of food. I have this urge to throw it back into the kitchen. Everyone should be so thankful I have such a great control over my temper. I don't even say anything. I'll just cry, and eat and do my very best to keep it down.

Michael and I. I love him so damn much. No one has the slightest idea. However I swear if someone brings up marriage to me I think I might burst. Michael isn't going to marry me any time soon. He isn't ready, okay? Those bells you're hearing everyone? Get your damn ears checked. I'm glad you all approve. All of you. But he is no where close to being ready. He has a lot to figure out. So stop already. And no marriage means no baby!! I'm sorry I'm already 22 and that makes me old or something but it's just not happening. You think I don't think about it enough on my own? I don't need you all asking me when it's going to happen and pressuring me and making me feel older and older. Not to mention did we forget that I'm dying? Or would you all just like to forget?

I feel like all these walls are closing in on me. I have too many decisions to make. Not enough time. Not enough...me.

Not A Chance In Hell.

I'm swimming. I'm almost in a rage. Perhaps I'm always in a rage. I keep getting close to crying but then reigning it in. I want to vent text Erin. I want to call Michael and wake him up and cry to him. Strangely I want to be held by my daddy like a little girl. I haven't been held by my father since I don't know when. I want to get dressed and get out of this apartment and just run. I want to turn on music. I want to go back to sleep. I want everything to stop.

Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all begin? I don't understand.

I can't accept defeat. I can't let go. I can't fail.

I failed. Oh my gosh.

Why.

What happened to me?

Everything is out of control. Everything. Absolutely everything.

I'm going to pass out.

"I wanna be a billionaire, so freaking bad..."

To say that I feel well would be a lie. However just hanging out on my couch doesn't exactly do me much good either. My mind keeps racing. I'm filled with this nervous energy. Almost like I have this clock ticking in my head. Oh how I hate clocks ticking. At about 12:30 last night as I was lying in my room I had one of my noise attacks. An extremely bad one. I began crying and clawing at my blankets. I covered my ears with my pillow and screamed. Desmond was next to me and for a second I almost grabbed him and threw him off my bed. His tiny little heartbeat was too loud. His breathing was too loud. Oh but that clock. I'm insane. Insanity. Pure insanity. And there isn't anything I can do about it but lie there and cry, and wait for my world to get louder and louder and louder as I fight the urge to rip my ears off from my head until finally it stops and quiet comes and I'm just left feeling like I can't catch my breath.

About 30 minutes later I was in my bathroom throwing up a lovely shade of red.

I wish I had a lot of things. I'm concerned about my finances for a number of reasons. I desperately need a vehicle. I wish I was with my sister right now. I wish I could go pick her up and take her shopping. I wish I could take her to the movies. I wish she wasn't at home alone bored. I wish I wasn't at home bored.

I stress about money a lot. Sometimes I don't know how I manage. Or how much longer I can. Every month is another battle. I feel like such a disappointment. I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to work. I want so much. And not things for myself dammit. I just...

Not that I play the lottery very often. I keep every dollar I get. But if I ever did win I think it's funny that I still think about St. Anne.

Anonymous donation?

I have serious issues.

Bits and Pieces.

I'm sitting here with a bowl of ramen in my lap, listening to a Martina McBride CD that just doesn't get played enough in the slightest and just thinking. I was really craving spaghetti and when my ramen was pretty much done I decided to look if I had everything to actually make spaghetti though I was pretty certain on the answer. I don't cook. Heck, I don't eat. However I'm certain I can manage spaghetti. I stared at my ramen and the contents in my cabinet and just pouted. Whatever man. I'll be alone tomorrow too. Maybe I'll cook myself a better dinner.

This CD is fantastic. Speaking of CD's, T-Swift needs to tell me when she's releasing her new album so I can begin a countdown. I can't believe after the incredible year she had and how busy she was she made time, on her freaking birthday nevertheless, to record an album. Aaahh. I'm not obsessed at all. I don't get giddy walking into my bathroom and seeing her face because I have a calendar of her adorable self hanging in there. Or think it's awesome that I own her perfume. Yeah...

Today being alone hasn't been that bad. Watching the Wonder Years with Desmond. Reading. Making myself food. I'm not that lonely. I mean I would much rather someone be here. I would immensely enjoy someone's company but really in hindsight, I do okay. I do live with my best friend but on a given week, I live alone and I'm capable.

Michael said something to me the other day. He said I'm stronger than I say that I am. My response was that I'm weaker than people think.

We're probably both right.

This song is beautiful.

I start my chemo pills on Monday.