"I Hear Voices All The Time"

I'm my biggest critic. I push myself to my breaking point and then past it all the while screaming at myself to do better. Try harder. Love more. Take less. I'm never satisfied with the job I do. There is always something that could have been made better at the work of my hands. I do my best but there is this part of me that just screams "do better". I have this engine inside of me that never stops. This voice that won't be silenced. However there comes a problem when you're handed a body that decides to stop functioning. There comes a problem when everything not only you want to do, but need to do you suddenly can't seem to. Madness seeps in.

I'm tired of the weight comments. Funny, I've waited my whole life to hear things like "you're too skinny" but the way it's being said to me pisses me off. I keep getting food thrown at me. I'm actually not "too skinny". Yeah, fine. I'm not fat. I'm not tiny though. Oh, and I'm not starving myself or purposely throwing up everything I consume. And starting tomorrow, it's going to get worse. I'm sorry I'm sick. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. As I'm writing this my dad just brings me a plate of food. I have this urge to throw it back into the kitchen. Everyone should be so thankful I have such a great control over my temper. I don't even say anything. I'll just cry, and eat and do my very best to keep it down.

Michael and I. I love him so damn much. No one has the slightest idea. However I swear if someone brings up marriage to me I think I might burst. Michael isn't going to marry me any time soon. He isn't ready, okay? Those bells you're hearing everyone? Get your damn ears checked. I'm glad you all approve. All of you. But he is no where close to being ready. He has a lot to figure out. So stop already. And no marriage means no baby!! I'm sorry I'm already 22 and that makes me old or something but it's just not happening. You think I don't think about it enough on my own? I don't need you all asking me when it's going to happen and pressuring me and making me feel older and older. Not to mention did we forget that I'm dying? Or would you all just like to forget?

I feel like all these walls are closing in on me. I have too many decisions to make. Not enough time. Not enough...me.