Limbo

There is this knot that is perpetually in my stomach.  It's more of a matter of how tightly it's being pulled that varies each day.  For about a year and a half I've been walking around in haze, not really certain if I'm seeing everything in front of me clearly.  For about 9 months I've been breathing in barely enough air. My heart lives outside my body and not in the poetic motherly sense. It was ripped out and placed there. 

Forgiveness is a hard thing to do.  But often I wonder if my perspective on it is misguided.  Countless times I've been burned,  and have risen amongst the ashes,  accepting apologies and doing my best to move on. Yet all that pain lives inside me.  I'm crippled by my incapacity to forget the past.  It is not without effort that I fail.  My memories and attached emotions are just far stronger than my will. I'd give anything to just "forgive and forget". Anything. 

Time heals all wounds. What if that's a lie our world has bought into? What if we're just desperate to live pain free and we manage to convince ourselves that after an unknown amount of days passing things just somehow get better? What if the truth is wounds never heal?  They just scab over and fade into scars that are forever etched into your very being.  Reminders are everywhere. 

Maybe I'm just crazy. 

What I do know is I'm not in hell, but this isn't heaven either. 

I'm just stuck. 

Life Happens

The past couple months I feel like I've been stumbling around in the dark. It's similar to those early mornings/late nights when I make my way to Lexi's room and I'm cautious of my every step in fear of tripping. I move quickly,  but there is no doubt that I'm doing a dance around my path avoiding all possible danger that lurks on the floor. The difference about life though is you can't predict what you may stumble on, and it typically hurts much more than stubbing your toe on a baby toy.

I dislike the battles I have with myself.  A recent conversation with one of my dearest friends helped me put things into perspective, but also set me spiraling down a fury of frustrations. My expectations are simply too high.  I can't judge myself to who I used to be and my former capabilities. I am not who I used to be,  or even wanted to be.  But the person I am is not someone I need to be ashamed of. I'm a survivor,  and I need to keep surviving and simply focus on being the type of woman my daughter can be proud of. I died,  and then was reborn into someone else.  I have to let my old self go. 

We all experience growing pains. Time changes everything,  and we can't stop it as hard as we try.  It is so difficult to see everything you once knew slip away.  To find yourself miles away from someone you used to be merely inches apart. There is a fatality to growing up.  There is no way around it.  So this is where I find myself.  At a crossroads,  so to speak.  Or perhaps I've already driven past it,  and I'm glancing in the rear view mirror for the first time.  Life happens quickly, but the truth is, life does not only have one beginning and one end.  Every day,  life takes on a new start. It provides new challenges.  What I need to learn is to work with what I have right in front of me,  and not despair over all my yesterdays.

I'm a work in progress.