Re-encounter Joy in Faith

I refuse to admit that I'm something special. That my story one day will be told. My contribution to this world will hopefully go far, but unknowingly. Ultimately I want a career in a "seed" ministry. I'll never fully see the fruits of my labor and I'm fine with that. I don't want my name remembered, I want my message to be heard.

It's no secret I'm losing my mind. Perhaps I've already lost it. It isn't a secret that I have a world of problems and not all of them are medical. I don't deny my brokenness and I've come to a point where I've even stopped trying to mask it. I'm unable to mask it.

My faith in God is something that for many years has kept me above water. However there have been things lately that have made my faith, stagnate, if you will. Mostly my own selfishness. My own sin. It's been difficult for me to really dive into the type of prayer I'm accustomed to when I've severed my relationship with my God due to my actions.

For some odd reason my work in ministry hasn't suffered due to my sinfulness. Whether that by just pure grace or whatnot, I don't know. I never teach in error. However I'm ignorant to think that my teens are truly getting the best of me. I'm cheating them. So perhaps my previous statement is a lie. A way to make myself feel better. My work in youth ministry is suffering.

During Mass with Bishop Olmsted, his Excellency read a poem by Jessica Powers called "God is a Strange Lover" and a part really hit home to me.

God is the strangest of all lovers; His ways are past explaining. 
He sets His heart on a soul; He says to Himself, "Here will I rest my love" 
But He does not woo her with flowers or jewels or words that are set to music, 
no name endearing, no kindled praise His heart's direction prove.
His jealousy is an infinite thing. He stalks the soul with sorrows;
He tramples the bloom; he blots the sun that could make her vision dim.
He robs and breaks and destroys-there is nothing at last but her own shame, her own affliction,
and then He comes and there is nothing in the vast world but Him and her love of Him. 

God made my day today. I owe him my life. Really Steph. What are you doing.