Good Enough

I'm really good at pushing through the darkness. Until I'm not.

I'm great at putting my head down and getting the job done.  Until I'm not.

I'm incredible at ignoring my demons and fighting past everything they say. Until I'm not.

That is the repetition of my life.  Read my previous blogs and you'll see it.  Close to 30 years of just running in circles.  Thirty years of gasping for air and swimming in currents I have no business swimming in.  I'm a fighter.  I'm a survivor.  But I'm also weak. I'm frail.  I'm broken.

I used to blog a lot.  I've always had a lot to say but could never really speak it out loud.  It was a release. An escape. A coping mechanism. But slowly life got in the way.  Cancer happened.  Love happened.  Unexpected pregnancy. Motherhood.  Marriage.  The already low on the totem pole of my self care became increasingly smaller.  I just retreated further into my head until all the words stayed there. Every now and then I'd blurt something out.  Just like now, things would get bad enough that I couldn't just hold it in.  I'd wave the white flag for all to see just to realize no one was really looking anyway.  I flew under the radar and I wondered if I should be proud of my invisibility or mourn from it.  It's a tricky life when all you've ever wanted was to be noticed and cared for but you're constantly running away.

My thoughts don't make much sense these days.  Perhaps they never did.  I could romanticize the anguish that lives deep inside my heart daily but I think I'm too old for that bull shit. Days get shorter, years move quicker and I'm still so much that little girl crying next to an Aquafina machine every day at school.  But there I go again selling myself short. I'm more than that, I know this deep down.  But she still lives there and knows what buttons to push.

Easy they come, easy they go
I jump from the train, I ride off alone
I never grew up, it's getting so old
Help me hold onto you
I've been the archer
I've been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?

Make fun of me all you want but that Taylor Swift has always spoken to my heart.  I have no scares.  Only more questions.  Uncertainty is the state of my existence.  My type A personality is screaming and I have no idea how to shut her up.  Chaos. It's all chaos. 

I'm losing the game friends. I've been losing for a long time.  And my best isn't good enough anymore.