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Depressed is unfitting. Lost is undescriptive. My state of being simply wasn't being. For the past few months I ceased to be the person that I am. I had flickers of her. In quiet conversations with friends when they needed me to be strong and say the right thing I felt myself flow with the words that would bring them to tears and give them the strength to carry on but it never reached my heart. On August 8th I was pronounced dead but months before that I had already begun to die.

Monday afternoon I sat in the waiting room of my doctor's office too scared to take in an actual breath. I kicked myself for being there alone. Screaming silently trying to understand that after everything why I still was doing everything alone. I wanted Erin there more than anyone else. Even knowing that she couldn't be there and maybe even shouldn't be, I wanted to rely on the strength she gives me. I had the desire to call Jamie and hear her voice. I wanted to be in his arms. I felt sick. Tears wanted to stream down my face and I did everything I could to fight them off. Doubts plagued my mind. Everything that could go wrong danced in front of me. I closed my eyes and began to sing to myself. My heart beat slowed. My breathing steadied. Someone called my name.

As I stood in the parking lot waiting for my mom to pick me up I stood motionless. I was fighting a mixture of emotions. I reached for my phone and pushed the number 2 but then for some reason decided against it. I began getting antsy and was pacing back and forth. I saw my mom's car and I couldn't contain it anymore, a smile spread across my face. My sister opened the door and I got in and I grinned and I asked if I could drive.

It's like a veil has been lifted. A veil that sadly I didn't even realize was there. My doctor simply told me that my health is all things considering, well, and I can go back to work, drive and begin working out and all of a sudden I'm this different person. My circumstances are really all the same. I have no job to go back to. I have no car to drive. Yet I'm filled with this overwhelming sense of motivation. I'm me again. The me that honestly, I love. The one that goes on overdrive. I came home on Monday and I went straight to my computer and pulled up a grad school application and began filling it out. I'm not sure if I'll be in school in January. It depends on a few factors. But the point is nothing is going to limit me. I'm done with it all. I'm so done. Because you know what? My name is Stephanie Marie Gonzalez and I kicked three brain tumors butts and I'm determined to become the best version of myself no matter the cost.

Thank you to those who love me, even when I'm not at my best.