No Place Like Home

Clare is on my lap and Meg is at my feet. My heart is breaking. I didn't want to get up this morning. All I can do right now is just cry and be slightly overwhelmed with everything.

Yesterday morning I combined the old with the new. I ventured off into a familiar city that really, I'm in love with, and explored it for the first time on my own. My first stop is quite obvious. The cathedral holds so many memories for me that have nothing to do even with my Catholic faith. As I approached the gorgeous church it was then it dawned on me that I was alone. I stood on the lawn and I thought about all the times I had been there before with Diana. I looked toward where we had wrote our names in the cement and laughed knowing that they were gone and realizing how appropriate that was. I looked at the sign in front of the church and I remembered taking a picture of her there. I looked at the trees and remembered sitting there for hours just talking. Then I walked up the steps and I thought about Chris and the picture I have tucked away in a box. I laughed because I remember taking that picture. I laughed even more because it's the only picture in the entire world of myself that I like and it's hidden away in a box. I stood up on the steps at the foot of the doors of cathedral thinking for a few minutes and I felt at peace. I did not long for either of them to be there with me. I did not ache for the past. I was fine being there alone. I decided to walk inside and to my surprise, God granted me a Mass.

In total I spent about 3 hours at the cathedral and then I walked toward the temple. It's absolutely beautiful there. I didn't spend much time walking around though. My phone was running low on battery and I thought it be best if I went home before it died. It was quite wonderful though to just be...free. To roam around without any restriction. To not have anyone around to tell me what I could or couldn't do. It's silly that I would even have to voice such things. I'm almost 22 years old and I shouldn't have to worry about limitations such as these. But due to events of my health everyone treats me like I'm about to break. I can't do this this, I can't do that. And I understand but the restrictions are strangling me. Yesterday was so nice. It was an escape. It was just me being able to be me. If I got tired I stopped. I didn't push myself to the point of exhaustion. I paced myself. Back in Arizona no one trusts me. Maybe that's my own fault. However I need this. So thank you Jamie. Thank you for knowing that I can take care of myself. Thank you for never doubting my capability in anything. Thank you for everything.

In real time, this blog is taking me forever to write. This is because I'm avoiding the subject I really wanted to write about. When I first opened the browser I was extremely upset. Angry, if you will. I don't normally like to write angrily. At least not on here. Last night I was talking to Jamie and I was basically telling her how I don't want to go home. There's nothing to go home to. And that's the truth. I have nothing. I have people that I love and I miss, but right now, I'm not sure it's enough. This environment is better for me. I'm going to go back and what? Feel the same? I still have no game plan. I'm still lost. And no I'm not trying to hide in Utah. I just don't want to come back. I just don't. I'm sorry.

There's a text on my phone that says this. "Well I'm glad you're coming home. And your sister needs you." What about what I need?

Whatever. I'll be home Saturday.