Dear I Don't Even Know Who

I'm almost at a point of screaming. I took my bandage off. I'm letting my head breathe. No one is here so I'm not ashamed. Except I still am. I want my best friend. I wish Michael was here to hold me. I told him he shouldn't stay here any more. And he shouldn't. Taking care of me or not, I almost feel like we're playing house and its bothering me. He couldn't stay tonight anyway. He has to take his sister ice skating early in the morning but I feel so alone.

I have an empty message addressed to my best friend on Facebook. I have so much to say but it's just...my heart hurts. I need her. I'm so frustrated that I can't have her hold my hand. That I can't hear her voice. I'm angry she isn't here and I'm even angrier that I feel that way. I'm mad that she'll get home and start school and piano and she'll be here but not be here. I'm being SO selfish but I'm just...ugh.

I don't know how to feel. I hate that tonight at Theology on Tap I started to cry in front of strangers. I hate that I wanted to cry more. I hate that I feel bottled up inside. I hate that I'm so lost. I need answers.

What am I doing? What's going on?

Spending the day with April I felt...content. Normal. Okay. Like we were on the same page. She keeps me talking. She talks to me. But now I'm alone.

God. He used to be in my back pocket.

Now?

I feel sick.