You know for a kid who spent most days by herself you would think I'd be better at this but it's almost like the older I get that harder it is to be alone. Or perhaps I'm getting weaker. Maybe it's the people I'm surrounding myself with. Maybe I'm taking too many shots to the head. Literally. I just know these winter days, even Arizona winter ones, are extremely dark and cold.
Desmond is a life saver. Really. Seeing him running around right now with his ball just makes things bearable. How I love him so.
I want someone to talk to. I keep going through my phone and coming up empty. I hate not having Erin around to simply just text. I walk into her room like Des does sometimes just to walk in. Actually right now I'm staring at it. I'm sitting at our kitchen table and her room is right in front of me. I can't see inside it because the lights are off but I could describe it perfectly if someone asked me to. Right down to her Cookie Monster pajama pants on the floor next to her hamper. :)
I've somewhat made some progress on my application. Somewhat. Does filling my name out count? Hah. I have gotten two people to agree to write me letters of recommendation. I'll ask my third person on Sunday at church.
I want someone to acknowledge something. I'm still very sick. I'm still really, dying. I haven't got cleared for anything. But I'm doing more with my application than I ever have before. My health is this interesting limitation. However I'm going to stop waiting for people to tell me when I can live and when I can't. As far as I'm concerned, medicine knows nothing. If it did, I wouldn't be here.
My future belongs to me and the one that created me to live it.
Best Friend: I adore you. I hate that you are so lonely. I hate that even when I am home I can't provide company that makes that lonely feeling disappear. I try...Even now, half way around the world, I'm doing what I can to be present. I love you
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