Best Friends...

...and my strange interpretation of it.

I had two separate conversations with my boyfriend, both which frustrated me. I asked him a question which involved my irrationality. His response annoyed me. In the second conversation he made a comment that really got under my skin. His opinion gave me a bad taste in my mouth. I was upset that he didn't understand so much. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I almost wanted to start yelling. Tears began forming in eyes and this certain rage filled me but years and years of practice were able to control it.

I just recently watched an episode of the Wonder Years where Kevin punched his best friend Paul in the middle of class. Why? Because Kevin was upset with Paul because Paul was choosing to go to Prep school for high school and Kevin found out on the last day of junior high. Kevin's reaction was irrational but it was completely out of fear. It was out of emotion. It was out of him not knowing how to react to the fact that his best friend was leaving him and he had no idea how to handle it. He was mad at him. He was hurt and so in turn he wanted to hurt him.  Now I knew exactly how Kevin felt. Of course when someone, anyone, hurts me I don't want to go hurt them back but I understood how much Kevin hurt over his best friend. More so, I understood how much Paul meant to Kevin. The thing is when we're hurt and feel betrayed in any way, even the smallest ways, sometimes we react too quickly. Our emotions get the best of us. Especially people like Kevin Arnold and me who really do nothing else but feel with too much intensity. I would never react the way Kevin did but I have my own way of doing things. Neither which is an appropriate way of handling the situation.

I probably shouldn't ever hold someone to such a high level as I do. I probably shouldn't ever value two words the way I do. Yet I can't help myself. I wish someone could read my heart. I wish someone could have captured the thoughts and simple wishes of a little girl sitting alone in a tree. I don't have a million best friends. I don't even have two. I have one. Which is the way I want it. I refuse to fling those words around. Maybe I'm the one that's wrong. Maybe I take everything too seriously. I just know where you stand and what you mean to me.

I'm sorry for my failings and every area I fall short. I'm sorry for my jealousy and not being able to understand. I'm sorry for ever hurting you.

I love you best friend. Mucho mucho.