I've been all over the place lately. My thoughts are uncontrollable. My dreams are bizarre and unwelcoming. I've had this dull headache for over a week that won't go away. It's different than my average daily headache too. This one is more...annoying. If that's even possible. I've been more tired lately as well. I fight bouts of exhaustion. I'm wondering if it's just too much stress or my body shutting down from some plague my immune system is just oh so prone to. Or just a lovely combination of both. My heart feels heavy. Like it's weighing me down and I can't possibly have the strength to continue to carry on. Yet I've had a really good few days. I don't understand though why it can't be enough. Why at this moment I feel the way I do. My one pound puppy is probably tired of watching me cry. He tries so desperately to make me feel better.
I was at lunch with my boyfriend this afternoon and we were talking about a few different things. Marriage, children, careers. All three of those things excite me and scare me all at the same time. I know that I won't be getting married anytime soon. Though I suppose soon is a relative term. As I think of that lovely age mark in my head my heart sinks, but I need to stop thinking that way. Is it possible? Probably not. Hah. But I need to try. So of course without the whole marriage thing, means no children. So that leaves one thing open: career. Now I want to be a youth minister. I don't want any other job in the world. I can't have any job in the world. As I was saying to Michael today though, I'm not sure exactly how to attain this job. I guess my first step is to apply to Steubenville. My three biggest concerns are these: 1. Will I get accepted? 2. How the heck am I going afford this? 3. Can I handle it? Let's say though that I apply, I get accepted, I bite the bullet and sell my life away and take out loans and get my Masters. I start in the Summer of 2012. So I figure I'll end no later than some time in 2014. Then what? You see the thing is, if Holy Cross won't give me a chance or any other parish in the Phoenix Diocese then I have no choice but to leave. Because for now, I'm barely content being a core member. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do as a volunteer. However as soon as I have my Masters and I'm of age where there is no limitation to what I can do in regards to Called to Protect, I want the job. I don't really want to leave Arizona, lame as the weather is. I don't want to leave my sister, or my best friend, or Michael. However, if it came to that point, I think I would have to.
There are a lot of possibilities in the situation I described. And as always I'm thinking way ahead, but it's what I do. I need to prepare myself for certain outcomes. There are no guarantees in life. I know right now the intelligent thing would be to just take it a day at a time. My frustration is my lack of advice I suppose. I have no guidance. I'm walking blind. I asked two people for help and I got shot down from both of them and I don't really know where to go from here. I'm afraid to ask for any more help. Asking for help is so difficult for me as it is and I take rejection so hard.
Speaking of help, I hate how lost I am about this too. I feel so alone. I can't handle it but there's no one I can talk to about it. Not really. I need to pray more.
I need a job so badly.
I told you I was all over the place, and this just 10% of what's going on in my head.
Sometimes, I wish I could see you.
Love, you always jump! At least you admitted it. I believe very strongly that there is a reason you're at Holy Cross. I think this is the door you've been trying to find. Now, you just need to take a leap of faith (not a leap into what could happen) ;) and go for it. Live your dreams. You're so full of passion and even though you're tired, I know that you will always have a fight in you, even if it's just the tiniest amount, you'll always have some. It's that spunk. I catch glimpses of it occasionally. God has given you these challenges because He knows you can face them with Him. Even though you or I may not understand it, it's our job to trust Him, no matter how hard that may be. Give it all over to Him, let Him take the reigns and keep walking blindly, because it's okay, He's guiding you, even if you don't know where you're going.
ReplyDeleteTrust.
I love you Best Friend.