Job Hunting.

I went to a seminar for this particular job today. I learned things about the company, about their history, about how be successful, about all the possibilities and compensation I could receive. In all honesty it sounded great. Fantastic. It's more money than I was hoping for. Challenging. Demanding. Fast-paced. Opportunities to grow. I would be not only working with people but helping people as well. So why through nearly the entire presentation was I filled with anxiety? And why was I only filled with peace until I decided to disobey the instructions and take my resume with me and not leave it on my seat, and pass by the sign up sheet for an interview and walk out that door? Walk away from the potential to earn $140,000 a yr and that being just in the first year? It's pretty simple if you ask me.

There's no denying that I'm stressed about money right now. I'm stressed about a lot of things. However my financial situation makes me physically ill. My rent is too high. My cell phone bill is too much with having my parents on my plan. I owe way too much to the hospital and I still have doctor visits. Desmond just got sick and I had to pay for him. I have credit card payments. I'm way in over my head. The source of income I have just isn't enough. Christmas is coming way too soon and I'm staring at my bank account wondering how I'm supposed to make all of this work. I need a job.

So why didn't I leave my resume? Why didn't I put my name on that list for an interview and put on a winning smile and fight and do whatever it takes to secure financial stability? Because I'm passionate about a particular thing and sitting it that seminar made me realize that I'm doing something wrong. Maybe right now, unfortunately I have to keep working at a dead end job. Apply at Wal-Mart again. Go back to Sam's. Work at T-Mobile. Something along those lines. Step it up a notch a little. Try for a supervisor. I don't know. The whole point is however, I know where I want to go. I have to apply to Steubenville. I have to get my Masters. I have to become a youth minister. That's my career. I can't work in an environment that will take away from that. I can't work in a place that will prolong my goal. I have to go to Steubenville this summer. Whatever it takes. Nothing makes me happier than being around teens. Than praying with them. Than ministering to them. Than sharing God's Word, His love, and teaching them the truth of the Catholic Church. This is my purpose. I want to speak to thousands of teens at a time. I want to speak to teens one on one. I want to see a generation rise and takes its place in this world. I don't want my name to be remembered, but I want to make a difference. I want my fingerprints to be left on other's hearts. I want to be an instrument of the most loving God. My heart burns with the most intense desire that I have ever felt. I want this more than anything. More than I want the sacrament of marriage. More than I want my own family and be a mother. I want to work for His Church. I want to serve His people.

I don't know what's going to happen. Or where I'm supposed to go from here. But I have no regrets of walking away, stressed as I am. I just hope that one day I'm not just a core member, but I have a core team.