Yesterday morning I began writing a blog. I was feeling absolutely terrible. My heart felt dismantled and I was having trouble breathing. I wanted to be held. To be embraced so as to make sure I didn't physically fall apart. I was certain I was. Positive at any given moment pieces of me would just begin falling off and start to deteriorate and eventually I would rot away and all would be left of me would be shattered pieces of a broken heart. Old urges began eating away at my weakened state. Tiny whispers in my ear slowly growing into shouts. My eyes burned with the tears I was fighting and I grabbed my tiny little puppy up into my lap and held him tight and he somehow knowingly licked my hand and buried his head into my stomach. My blog had nothing to do with what I actually was feeling. It was a blog to distract me. It was a blog to fight away my demons. It was a blog to make me think of something that causes me great joy. I started to type.
I began a conversation with someone. A conversation I desperately needed. Within minutes I just felt like I got a door slammed on my face.
Last night I made a phone call. I tried talking but there is just no understanding. Effort, sure. But no understanding. I lost complete control and just started crying. The frustration inside me was too much. The pain is too much. I just said goodbye and got in the shower and cried. Tried desperately to wash away some of what I felt.
When I got out of the shower and after I got dressed I went to grab something out of my drawer. I put my jacket on and shoes and walked out of my apartment. It felt even heavier than it should feel in my hand and I threw it over the fence I completely failed the first time and it bounced back at me. I didn't know how to take that. I began to cry as I picked it back up and threw it over one more time making sure I cleared it over the fence. I held the sticker with my name on it between my fingers and flicked it in the parking lot and cried walking back into my apartment. I needed to be held. I walked into my room and collapsed on my floor and cried. I managed to grab my journal out of my purse and write. Not without difficulty though. I hurt so much. I was crying too hard. I felt so sick. I just...
I never finished that blog.
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