The Best Ship is Friendship

Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps I'm way out in left field when I should be comfortably at short where I dominate the field, but I think I'm a pretty good friend. I'm extremely dependable and loyal and trustworthy. I'll always be the first person to take the shirt off my back for you, throw myself in front of a shooting bullet. I'll walk to the ends of the earth to make you smile, and I'll love you until it hurts. My friendship isn't fake. It isn't temporary. It isn't disposable. Yet this is how it is constantly been treated my whole life. My person has been treated this way. Perhaps I'm a big part to blame in this. I've let people use me as a doormat. Beginning with my parents. But it's almost my nature to be taken advantage of. I'm too nice, or something. Or I'm just an idiot. People call me only when they need something from me. I give people money with their promise of a payback knowing deep down inside that I'll never see that money again. I put myself out there but unless there's a problem that needs to be fixed, I'm not wanted. You're a greater listener Steph. You're a sweetheart. You're the best. Whatever, whatever, whatever. In other words, I'll call you when something goes wrong but at the moment things are great so I rather hang out with my other friends who won't be there when I really need them but who are really "fun" right now.

Your reaction when you and I both know I'm the one that cares the most. Out of anyone. It's why I stood by you on that day. My speech was awesome. Simply because I meant every word. How I drove everywhere as you sat with the seat reclined, feet on the dash, sunglasses on, as we went to every beach we could find. I didn't say a word about gas. Or the restaurant I paid for when you refused to because we failed and went to the wrong one and you wanted to just leave because the food was awful, but my morals were a bit too high to do that. I've done too many crazy things with you, but dine and ditch isn't one of them. Or how I drove you to every hospital in AZ searching for your psycho bf under his million names, and then after took you to get ice cream. That year for your birthday when I bought you that stuffed animal you were dying to have and surprised you at school, and on our 18th when we had our birthday together and I rented out that spa place because you wanted it. Then I gave my massage to the guy you brought with you. I'm not sitting here counting every little thing that I've done. I don't keep a list. I just happen to have a really good memory. And I don't expect things in return. You've given me things. But it isn't the material that makes a difference to me. Because the material I've given wasn't the what mattered when I gave it. It's the thought that was put into it. The effort and the love. I just wanted a thank you. I wanted some appreciation. I wanted effort this past week. I wanted a reaction on Monday. I wanted to mean something.

I would love to get over this. To block it. To stop being...silly? But I can't help myself. It killed me. I just felt used. Secondary. Not even that. I felt like I was in last place. Like I was only good at one thing anymore, My only purpose was this, and that's that. My efforts didn't matter. And still.... I don't even know anymore. To explain would almost nearly just cause conflict.

I hardly feel important to anyone. And I honestly don't feel like this is just my low self esteem talking. In a perfect world friendships should be a healthy balance of equality. Give and take. We of course do not live in a perfect world. There are moments in a friendship where things aren't even and that's okay. Sometimes one friend needs more than the other. And I'm well aware that there are different types of friendships. However it always seems to me that in every relationship I'm in I'm all in while the other person is lying with their feet in the sand. I'm at odds with myself. I don't know where I stand.

There is only one person who is my constant. Who I don't worry about. Whose friendship I'm not afraid of losing. Who I know doesn't take advantage of me at all and never will. If anything I'm not there for her enough. I want to be but sometimes I feel like she just won't tell me certain things for whatever reasons. But there is that unspoken understanding that I'm certain she knows I'm here. I hate our physical distance. So much. However Jamie is so close in my heart. The only person in my life who has never broken my trust. That's saying so much.

I feel beat up right now. I just want a little confirmation of my worth.