There was a point in my life that I was not going to be Catholic. Actually in all sense of the word, there was a point in my life that really, I wasn't Catholic. Sure I was baptized as an infant and I had received my First Holy Communion in 5th grade but I knew absolutely nothing about God and the faith that my parents were supposed to be responsible in bringing me up in. My faith journey is unique. It's painful. It's long. It's hard. It's ever growing. It's beautiful. Most importantly however it is the best part of me. When you boil it down, it is my all.
This weekend I went to Six Flags with my teens and all the craziness of the roller coasters aside, we were able to experience some awesome praise and worship, celebrate Mass, and adore our Lord in the Eucharist together. It was the first time my teens at my new parish were able to witness me pray. Witness me worship and love my God in an expressive manner that didn't require my speech. I never consider myself someone to be modeled after but I saw them looking at me, and following my behavior. My eyes were closed and I was on my knees at one point and I heard Carl's voice above me in a loud whisper say "Look at Stephanie. Model her reverence. Honor God the way she does." I'm not looking for praise. It isn't what I'm about. I just want to love my God freely. If by doing so I encourage others, especially my teens, to do the same then all I'm doing is what I believe I was put on this earth to do. Be a witness. Serve God. Know Him, love Him, and serve Him to the best of my ability. My prayer every day.
My favorite part about Michael's love for me isn't his romance. It isn't his cheesy one liners that honestly I melt for because I'm that girl. It isn't the song lyrics we exchange. It isn't the way he looks at me or holds me in his arms. It isn't the fact that no one has ever made feel safe except him. It isn't the fact that I know he would do anything for me. It's the story of when he knew he was in love with me. The simple fact that me on my knees praying made him want me.
When I was going through my catechism classes in 5th grade preparing for my First Communion after class we would go to mass. It was the first time in my life I had ever gone to church on a regular basis. Now why nothing really sunk in during those days, I'm not quite sure. I remember I did pay attention but I had no real understanding of what was going on. None whatsoever. In my catechism class I hardly learned anything. Just a few prayers, and I clearly remember learning about parables and the beatitudes but nothing of substance. True presence? Yeah. I'm positive that was NOT taught to me. Regardless, there was something that did leave an impression. The first time I heard the song "On Eagle's Wings" at my parish in El Paso I felt something inside of me. Perhaps it was just the way it sounded, or maybe my 11 year old self even then felt the connection in the lyrics. I remember though just always wanting to sing that song.
Today at Mass I had a lot of thoughts flowing through my head. Many were church related. Some weren't but a huge part of my focus revolved around God, my state of mind, the upcoming changes to the Mass, my faith, the Eucharist, my complete love for the Church and everything it encompasses. As I was swimming through my thoughts, Jaime, the music director, told us to turn to a certain page in our books to where "On Eagle's Wings" was. As the first notes of the piano began of the song tears welled up in my eye and I was filled with overwhelming emotion. I saw my 11 year old self with a blue book in her hand following the words to the song, singing and it was then that I was just blown away by the awesomeness of my God. I didn't know Him. For so many years I didn't know Him but He had His hands on me my whole life. The snare of the fowler will never capture me and famine will bring me no fear. Under His wings I've always taken refuge. His faithfulness is my shield.
I want to do great things in His name.
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