Transforming Bitterness.

I've been struggling with a lot of things recently. A big part of what I brought to the confessional and what I had been battling with is this bitterness I hold within my heart. This deep hurt that I cannot shake but I desperately long to be free from. This morning I read a blog from a Catholic woman that inspires me. Jackie Francois' words hit home to me in a way that I truly needed. During my confession I told the priest that I wanted to get rid of my feelings. I longed to be like Christ and just love and forgive. Father's words struck me however because they were words I tell people all the time yet often it's advice people shun me from. He told me that there was nothing wrong with my feelings. That I did not have it in me the power to switch myself off at any given moment. I was free to feel however I felt and I had a right to feel. The key to emotions is what you do with them.

The importance to both my confession and what I read this morning lies in the beauty of the Catholic Church. Jackie references the Catechism for it says "it is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession" (CCC 2843). For so long I've been praying for God to remove from heart the bitterness that has surrounded it. I've been praying to Him to help me find forgiveness. Although there is no wrong prayer and I know my petitions are not being said unto deaf ears I was going about things the wrong way. I was being selfish in my prayer life. I was allowing my feelings to consume me too much and not allow me to fully receive God's graces. In order to be like Christ and to love like He does I must pray for those who hurt me the most. I need to carry them in my heart and offer my suffering and heartache up for them. Especially when I don't want to.

This weekend during adoration when I knelt before my Lord I begged Him for one thing. I constantly keep pleading for one single thing. Every day I say different prayers but I have one constant prayer that runs through my head. One constant thought and desire that burns through my soul. It's my personal statement of who I am and who I ever really truly want to be. The only thing I want to do in this world is to love, serve and know the Lord to the best of my ability.