Everything and Nothing.

I'm simply overwhelmed with everything inside of me. I have too many conflicting thoughts. Conflicting emotions. I make no real sense. I have this desire to write. I want to describe myself. Hence me blogging. Yet I'm stuck. What exactly is there too describe? Once again I'm frustrated with the issue of it being too much. I'm too much. I want to rant and rave. I'm so very irritated with myself.

How cryptic can I be without exposing myself? How much can I dance around true meanings? How playful can I be with words? The aches, the torment, the anguish. Little gestures here and there that will forever go unnoticed. Crying in the dark. My pathetic sobs the only noise that breaks the silence. At times they're even more painful than my episodes. I rather feel insane than feel.... Maybe that's it. I want to stop feeling. It's too intense. Far too intense. Unnatural.

November will be here soon. I haven't written my essay. Why? Because I do not want to go to Catholic Distance University. November 1st deadline seems silly to me although I think about it often. I want to go to the Franciscan University of Steubenville. No idea how I will pay for any of it. But I want to go there so badly. I need three letters of recommendation. Three great letters of recommendation. The rest is on me. But I'm worried about the letters. I don't even know who to ask. The whole idea of it all makes me sick. I want to go there oh so badly.

Youth ministry. My heart just leaped. I've never wanted anything more. I've never been more passionate about anything more. I've never been more confident in myself in anything. I just want it now. I'm growing impatience. I have this crazy desire to just take over. I want to be thrown into something. I want to go crazy. I would be so good. I have the fire. When I get up there and talk words flow effortlessly. I feel on fire. And in fact, I am! The Holy Spirit washes over me and He burns straight through my heart. Last night when I was talking about the Holy Eucharist and I held my Bible in my hand and I was flipping through it and I felt my voice rise in excitement and I saw the teens eyes latch onto me I was overwhelmed with joy and love and energy that I can't even begin to describe. In their eyes I saw understanding. A light bulb switching on and burning bright in some, a flicker in others. Regardless I knew in that moment that I had done my job. I caught a couple teens tearing up as I spoke and after the night one of them came up to me and hugged me and told me that next time they received communion they were going to say the words "Amen" loudly because she does truly believe.

Have you ever felt so useless? Like you want to do so much but there is absolutely nothing you can do? I hate it. My heart is broken. I'm so very depressed.

Last night my mom made me a pina colada and then left me to drink it alone. She even turned the light off on me. I wanted to down it and do various others things that would cause me harm. My mind tortured me with flashbacks of things that I rather not write out. But instead I drank it slowly, sent a text to my best friend and stared at my phone wanting her to text me back, held my tears in, and waited for my boyfriend to come pick me up.

Something about dancing and singing with Michael sends me into another world. I'm still in disbelief that we're at where we are. But he loves me perfectly. I don't deserve it.

The smell of alcohol on your breath completely threw me. I enjoyed drinking with you. You amused me to say the least. But when you got close to me and kissed me my mind couldn't help but go there. I'm not sure how that makes me feel.

I have so many issues.