Forgivness.

"I'm not sure what to feel." Among my blabbering of words that sentence resounded in my ears the most. My friend April looked at me with understanding and I felt a tiny sense of peace even before she spoke. Her advice quieted my fear. A quote from a book she shared with me gave me exactly what I longed to hear. Yet later that night as I stood in line for confession I wanted to run away. Anxiety plagued me. Fear wrapped its vicious claws around my lungs and began threatening my life support. I felt nauseous. Light headed. I joked around with April and another girl in the line with me, but it was all a show. My thoughts were eating away at me and every minute that passed I could feel myself getting weaker. When it finally came to my turn I walked up the steps toward the cabin and my feet felt like lead. I got half way and I stopped. A voice in my head screamed at me to turn around. I squeezed my eyes close and took a step forward and then proceeded to walk into the cabin.

I closed the cabin door and I stared at it, my back facing the priest. A wall of emotions and tears came crashing down on me and my body quivered and a sob came exploding from within me. The priest spoke and asked if I was going to come sit down, and I asked him to give me a second. I attempted to compose myself but I just cried harder. Father just nicely asked me again to come sit. I took a deep breath, turned around and sat down in the chair. In typical Stephanie style I apologized to him and then told him that it was extremely difficult for me to be there. Then I took another deep breath and began my confession. I'm not going to blog all my sins, but my open statement was "Father, I feel like I'm a terrible person and I can't handle it."

After my confession was over I received my absolution and then I just stared at my priest. In perhaps a tone that could have been more respectful I informed him that he had missed a very important step. My penance. He just laughed. I didn't find it funny. Then he looked at me and said, "Child, be at peace. You have already done your penance. You've been in your penance for months. You're absolved."  That's the second time in my life that a priest has laughed at me in confession. And a second time I wanted to argue. But it also is the second time I found myself just smiling and saying, "Thank you Father" and walking away. I walked out those doors of that cabin and I saw April waiting for me and I started to laugh and cry. I began to cry tears of complete joy because I felt completely free.

I received Jesus Christ, the God of the Universe, tonight at Mass. His Holy Presence is physically present within me. I am a living tabernacle. I am overwhelmed with love. Overwhelmed with Love.