Nothing.

I just got off the phone with my mother. I had planned on writing this blog even before my conversation with her but even the way our conversation went gives me more, for lack of a better word, energy to write. I told her about my desire to apply to Franciscan and having to spend a summer there and she just dismissed me. Why I even chose to discuss my education with that woman I don't even know. Why I'm allowing it to hurt me right now I don't even know. I'm smarter than this. I know better. I cannot retreat into that little kid that would bring home perfect grades and show them to her parents and watch them just get tossed into the trash can. STOP STEPHANIE MARIE. Breathe.

I lack self confidence. My entire life I've been told everything I've done wrong. It doesn't matter how many A's I've received. How many MVP's I've won. How many first place ribbons, trophies, medals, awards... None of it matters. I'm still nothing.

I don't have the desire to be the most beautiful girl in the room. If I did, I would probably try harder. Or maybe I know I never will be so my attempt is just mediocre. Who really knows. The point is I know that I'm not the girl that when I walk in a room all the boys stop and stare and I'm thankful for that because I'm far too shy for that sort of attention. No matter what, I'm never going to lose my curves and my short legs are here to stay. I'm just nothing special.

I wonder each and every day how much of every bit of my circumstances is my fault. I've never really had myself in my corner but for the first time I'm right there. Katrina is there. April is there. Jamie is there. Michael frustratingly tiptoes on both sides. My precious little sister is dying to jump in the ring and kill someone. I feel like I understand the situation the very best because it is MY situation but maybe I'm blinded somehow. At the moment I'm on the edge of turning the sword on myself. But I don't want to. I'm an adult and I'll take accountability for my actions. In my rants and conversations and my breakdowns with various people in fact I think I have. I know that I did not handle myself correctly in all matters. However in not a single circumstance was I handled correctly with. It's in the past now. I'm moving on and perhaps I shouldn't even bring it up. Yet the situation is not really what's eating me. What is bothering me right now is the notion that I'm defective to someone. That this "situation" was a long time coming. I had an expiration date.

I feel like I can't move. I'm nothing.