Down Goes Frazier

I threw my ipod against the wall last night. I still haven't checked if it works. My desire to cause myself pain was too much to bear. I feel weak. As I sat on my bedroom floor last night sobbing, texting Jamie and doing everything I could to ignore what I heard in the other room in this apartment my mind collapsed around me. I feel weak. Prior to even entering this apartment I sat in my boyfriend's car and I kissed him and then I felt myself crumble for an unexplained reason. I wanted to jump into his arms and deteriorate.

Stop. I'm having an episode. Everything is exploding. Why I'm continuing to blog I have no idea. The insanity of this is ridiculous. Fight through the noise. The noise. The fucking noise. Oh my gosh. I want someone to understand how LOUD everything is. That adorable little boy outside. His voice is outrageous. Typing. I'm torturing myself. That fucking clock. I'm insane. Lock me up. But could I still write this if I was insane? Probably. I mean more insane people have done better things. But it is SO loud. I wish someone understood. STOP. I don't want to be crazy.

I feel unwanted. Not good enough. Like I'll never be what I want to be. Second best. Maybe even third. Maybe not even in the race.

Last night I only had to hold myself together for a few more minutes longer. And I couldn't even do that. I went into my room to take a breath, maybe go hit my pillow or something and frustratingly the door was in the way. I don't know where all this anger is coming from.

I am so useless.

A switch went off in my head. I WANT so many freaking things. I used to go into a store and think, "Oh, that would be nice to have" or "That's cute, I wish I had it" but then walk away and never think about it again. Never. But all of a sudden I'm plagued by these desires. I'm shedding tears right now because I feel so guilty over it. I find myself wanting to purchase myself something. The last thing I bought myself was a book over a year ago for less than ten dollars and I drove home crying because I felt so guilty. I almost turned around and returned it. These wants that I'm having are making me ill. They're creating numerous thoughts I do not want and they're just not worth it. I want to go back to how I used to be.

Where did my happiness go? And what the hell is wrong with me?

And I swear, if it ever comes back...