Just Let Me Go.

Last night I walked out of the house I was partying at. I had just done my second shot and I felt the alcohol making its way through my body. I looked at the street ahead of me and I just took off. I rounded the corner the way I would second base. I felt my legs moving faster and I could hear my heart beat in my ears. I suddenly stopped and just looked up at the sky and fought the urge to scream. I was certainly not even the tiniest bit drunk. Just in the process of getting there. My excursion was not alcohol related. It was my desperate need to live. I turned around and sprinted back to the house. I saw a fire hydrant and for some reason I felt challenged. I hesitated. Then I proceeded to run toward it and jump right over it. Maybe I was a little drunk.

I have so many dreams. I always have. Ever since I was little I've lived in my future. My past was something that I would run from, my present too painful to live in and so I would plan like crazy. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. Funny thing is nothing in my life has ever turned out the way I wanted it to. Perhaps that's an indication I should stop planning. Quit trying to control everything. This past year my life has been completely out of control. I've lost everything, been given so much and am now on the edge of losing even more. I'm desperate to grab onto something. I want to have the ability to plan, and dream, and control something without the fear of it being completely fruitless.

I'm not quite sure what I'm saying. Faith. Each day brings new things. Some days are better than others. Some days are much worse. Some days I want to fight like hell. Some days I've taken too many punches and I'm waiting for that bell to ring. Maybe tonight I'm just asking you for one thing. Let me go. I wanted so much, but maybe it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. If nothing else, know how much you were loved by me.