Rollin' On

This month has been extremely long. I feel like I just keep sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that there is no way I could ever possibly climb out of. Every day something new hits me. I gain a little strength only to get knocked with an even harder punch. I don't know anything these days.

Last Thursday afternoon I went with my best friend and her family to El Paso. Her brother is stationed at Ft. Bliss and they were nice enough to let me tag along for the ride so I could spend the weekend with my family back home. As we entered the city I felt giddy. Hardly anything changes about it. It still looks worn down. Everything is still rather dirty and brown all around it but it's beautiful. It's home and nothing can take that away from me. Natasha picked me up outside the gate of Ft. Bliss late that night and took me to my Tia's house. On the car ride there I sort of exploded. She asked me how I was and I didn't lie. I didn't give the usual answer I give everyone of "okay" or "fine". I told her that I wasn't doing well. I told her I was awful and then I went on a rant where I didn't even stop to take a breath and briefly described the difficulties of my life. It was nice to just talk. It was nice for just a few minutes to let go and be honest and not feel judged or feel like someone was going to jump down my throat. It was nice to have my cousin there and then to have her laugh at me and tell me to breathe because she was worried I was going to have a heart attack. It was just nice to be home.

This past weekend was good for me but it was difficult as well. I miss my family so much. That six hour drive is really nothing but it's such a barrier. So much of me is in El Paso and I guess right now especially, at a time where I'm struggling with so much and I don't know who I am, I need to be surrounded with familiar things. In a previous blog a while back I mentioned my old parish and a particular hymn. Every single time I hear "On Eagles Wings" I think about St. Raphael and being in catechism. This Sunday I went to Mass at St. Raphael and I went up to receive communion. The very second I received Christ the song began playing.

I'm back home in Arizona and a lot has happened since I stepped back inside the Rebello's van and headed back. The world keeps spinning and throwing punches every day. At some point either I will completely break or I'll find another way to adapt.