Family Ties

It's perhaps no secret that I have family problems. A large majority of them stem from my relationship with my mother and the dynamic of the household I was raised in that I have sworn myself to never return to. I hate the fact that I'm so uncomfortable even visiting my parents' house. I step inside and I just want to run back out. I feel like there isn't enough air in the house. I'm on edge from the second I enter until the moment I step back into the sanctuary of the home that is my apartment. It's terrible, but I can't help how I feel. Now you can't ever confuse my feelings for lack of love for my family. As much as they drive me insane I'm devoted to them, perhaps to a fault. My mom has destroyed me more than anyone else in my life but she's my mom and I'd do anything for her. My daddy is well...my daddy. I think maybe in my heart I'll always be sitting on his lap watching a football game, or on the baseball field at short while he's watching me turn a double play. Sometimes I don't think he sees me anymore. Whether that's because I'm too old or because drinking and his own problems are really all that matter, but he's still my dad and I can still hear him calling me "golden" and that's all I've ever wanted to be. My sister is my whole world and my heart breaks each and every day with the knowledge that I can't fix or do everything for her. My little brother doesn't have the slightest clue how deeply I love him and how much I want him to succeed.

Now this is just my immediate family. I have a whole extended family that really, I barely discuss. Now one would think that would happen for a few reasons. Perhaps they just aren't important. Or I don't want to talk about them because they're even more insane than the family I do try to run from. However that's so far from the truth. In particular my father's side of the family. I say little about them because my emotions get the best of me when I think about them. My heart aches too much for them. I don't want to run away from them but toward them and that idea scares me. I feel my Tia Lecha and Tia Stella hug me and I know love and it overwhelms me. My Tio Checho just makes me smile every time I see him and he's just goofy. My cousins aren't just cousins to me. I grew up with them and shared too much with them. Especially Frank, Natasha and John. And when Frank came down while I had cancer and spent close to a week with me... I can't even come close to explaining how much that meant to me. And although Chito is well, Chito, I love him and I'll always have his back. Then there is my Tio Rene who honestly, I don't know very well and that is a very unfortunate fact. However that takes away nothing from the amount of love and respect I have for the man. Last and certainly not least there is my darling grandma. Undeniably the most beautiful woman in the world who each time I see her tears instantly flood my eyes and saying goodbye to her is the hardest thing in the world. She's magnificent and the epitome of cool. How I love her so.

I didn't mention a few people, and not for lack of significance. I carry everyone in my heart and they each are a piece of me in a very special way. So often I am told I am strong and resilient because of everything that life has handed me. I tend to shake that compliment off. However if anything has made me strong, it's the love I have for everyone around me. The deep amount that I truly care for my family and my desire for their well-being and my fight to do my best to never let them down. I'm at a time in my life where I feel like such a failure and I can't take the person that I am. I feel so useless and all I want is some purpose back in my life again. I want it for me, but mostly I want it for all of them.