Suicide

I was lying on my couch last night totally consumed. My heart felt heavy and was literally throbbing with pain. Silent tears kept escaping my eyes ever so slowly and as they slid across my face I felt another year older. I felt worn and battered. Beat down and abused. Betrayed and misunderstood. I questioned why I even came back home. I questioned why I didn't have April take me to my parents. I just laid there anchored by my heartache and barely breathing.

I couldn't help where my thoughts went. I began formulating a plan and method of execution. I fell asleep to my thoughts and dreamed about my death and the aftermath. Erin not going to my funeral. Michael blaming himself. My sister not knowing what to do with herself. Time heals though. I guess the great thing is I dreamed about life without me and how normal it was. How life just goes on, as it should. It was sort of comforting.

I woke up disoriented and wondering where I was for a second. Wondering if I had taken anything. My dream felt a little too real. For some reason I reached for my wrist and I felt a deep emptiness when I grabbed it. I just began to cry.

In my dream I wrote a note. It said the following :
You won't find letters this time. I destroyed those. I'm tired of the sentiments. My life was filled with them and for what? Perhaps my flaw was I was too emotional, yes? I loved too deeply. I cared too much. My compassion ran too freely and all it did was burn me in the end. And so I leave you in what you will all call as a selfish act that you will question and will cause you pain. Pain for which I sincerely apologize. However I could no longer take what I felt anymore. Tonight in Mass it was said that we are more than our sins. We are more than our mistakes. All we are, are children of God. I take that with me. I do love you. 


Everyone says things will gets better. Though no one ever says when they will.