I believe that there are some people in this world who are literally thrown into it. There is no preparation, no warning. Suddenly you have to leave all childish things and be someone years were supposed to shape but life simply couldn't wait for. It's now or never with never not even being an option. It's simply now.
I missed out on a lot of things as a child and a teenager. I never fully fit in, even in the days at Edgemere when everyone knew my name. I will never say I was smarter than my peers but I was different from them. I was more experienced. Life had taken it's grip on me faster. I didn't have that carefree innocence a child should have. Instead I spent the majority of the days sitting in a tree or riding my bike around town mulling over this or that. I had taken upon responsibility that shouldn't have ever been mine, yet even so was handed to me freely. I never complained because I simply knew nothing else. As the years progressed however my distance from my peers grew and grew. In junior high and high school I never understood the activities that everyone deemed so fun. I didn't understand their dialogue or their way of disrespecting virtually everyone. Therefore I spent my time alone, watching and analyzing them trying to figure out their immaturity and always wondering why I was so different.
As it would be, I am socially awkward as a 22 year old adult. I've always been socially awkward. Between simply my quiet and shy personality to not having any common ground other than age to my classmates I didn't get much in the way of social skills. Sure, I can carry a conversation and I'm friendly when spoken to and I can get along with anyone but there has always been this wall right in front of me. I've often wondered who put it there. Was it me, was it them or did life simply throw it there.
I think I had a tendency to rush through life for one particular reason. Simply, I wanted my age and social status to catch up with my heart and soul. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, they both age and there is always that distance. But then there came a point in my life where I broke down. When the resilience of my soul failed and I needed some major time to repair. Funny thing is, life waits for no one. So in about two years I went from having everything and being on the top of my game to knowing nothing and feeling like I'm wandering aimlessly praying I find the path that so much dust covered in that violent storm.
Life is asking me to stop being idle. Stop being crippled by the past, by my former illness, by my heartache. It's screaming at me to be...well me. But that scares me because I'm afraid of leaving everyone behind in the process. It's my change, not theirs. I have to adapt and live accordingly and well, they just live.
And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it
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