Party of One

I've always kept to myself. I'm not a party person, or a social butterfly. In fact of all things, I'm a wallflower. I sit back and observe while the world does its merry little spin. That isn't to say I don't associate with anyone, but for the most part it's just me.

Just me. That hasn't hit home so much like it did today.

It's such a huge deal if I open up to you. If I go more into my usual "I'm okay" and tell you how I feel. I don't just go spilling my guts to anyone. And even when I do confide, I'm so guarded. So careful about everything I say. My emotions are raw and my thoughts complex. I'll be too vulnerable to just let go.

Today I learned a few things. Number one, my friends are less than imagined. People who I thought I could have a moment with simply took one incidence and spun everything I said. It was useless to speak and I should have known. Number two, there are those who keep a tally of my mistakes and like to exploit them at every given opportunity. Number three, in the end it really is just me.

Perhaps this is not the best format for certain things but the pain is mounting. At times I can't breathe with the enormity of it. The fact that I disappointed you was hard enough. Yet to know you won't be there for that day in my distant (or not so) future. The fact that I went to you in confidence and there was no support or even close to it there. The fact that all promises were seemingly ignored, words forgotten. To know that you were just like everyone else.

In the heat of the night much more was stolen than what was intended. The strain it has caused is just another thing I lose sleep over. I feel like the world in which I live in just became even more dull.

I will start the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013 alone.

It wasn't enough time and it didn't turn out how it should have. Thus is life.

The hum of the fan and the typing of my keys are my only companions tonight. Not even my darling puppy is here to offer the comfort I desperately need.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Tell me when someone notices.