Empty Well

I remember my first authentic prayer. I often speak about it and it certainly was a catalyst to my faith journey. There were a lot of things about that night that were very movie-esque. It was pouring, I was crying - all very dramatic. All very real.  One of the things that still strikes me is the ugliness of that night.  I was in utter despair, cold, alone and screaming at the sky. This is where God found me.  He found me hurt, angry, scared, and lonely.  I was broken and He reached down and held me.

A lot has changed in the 16 years that have passed since that night. But there are still things that linger. In many ways I'm still hurt, angry, scared and lonely. I don't know how to shake that part of me away.  I don't know how to find the healing that I probably desperately need.  Years pass along and that weight still drags me down. Insecurities creep back in and I'm immobilized by my demons. My desire to reach out for help is extinguished by my fear of a safety net. Too many times have I set my heart in hands that were careless. Instead I retreat further into myself and end up falling into a web of spiral thoughts and low self-esteem. It's ugly and terrifying and mostly fought alone. Much of the outside world is oblivious to the storm raging within me and I'm okay with that. Until it's too late.

This story gets old. I am married with two kids and a third on the way. I don't want my family to be a causality to my depression. But my well is dry. I have nothing to give.

So what now?