"Jesus said to those Jews who believed in him, 'If you remain in my
word, you will truly be my disciples,
and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.' " John 8:31
As I reflected on this Gospel from Wednesday I found myself pondering the concept of freedom. As someone who, if it had not been for medical reasons, would have joined the Air Force, the idea of being an American and free has always been dear to my heart. I've always felt like I knew the value of freedom and the sacrifices made for that freedom. But as far as my relationship with Christ, I realized that I struggle with true freedom. Freedom to be comfortable with the person God created me to be. Freedom to cast away the chains of depression, anxiety and loneliness. It begs the question to what enslaves me? As it states further in the Gospel "everyone who commits a sin is a slave of sin". How many times do I sever myself in my relationship with my God? But does my enslavement go further than my sins? Or perhaps it is a ramification of my past sins. I walk around and go through so many days just going through the motions feeling like an empty shell of who I am called to be. My prayer life becomes stagnant. I long for true and authentic friendships but fear rejection and abandonment that have plagued my childhood and early adulthood. I question my worth as a wife and mother. It's a downward spiral of negativity and I struggle to swim upstream. Where is this freedom that Christ's speaks of? What does it look like? How does it feel? Perhaps even more alarming, would I be able to recognize it if I found it?
and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.' " John 8:31
As I reflected on this Gospel from Wednesday I found myself pondering the concept of freedom. As someone who, if it had not been for medical reasons, would have joined the Air Force, the idea of being an American and free has always been dear to my heart. I've always felt like I knew the value of freedom and the sacrifices made for that freedom. But as far as my relationship with Christ, I realized that I struggle with true freedom. Freedom to be comfortable with the person God created me to be. Freedom to cast away the chains of depression, anxiety and loneliness. It begs the question to what enslaves me? As it states further in the Gospel "everyone who commits a sin is a slave of sin". How many times do I sever myself in my relationship with my God? But does my enslavement go further than my sins? Or perhaps it is a ramification of my past sins. I walk around and go through so many days just going through the motions feeling like an empty shell of who I am called to be. My prayer life becomes stagnant. I long for true and authentic friendships but fear rejection and abandonment that have plagued my childhood and early adulthood. I question my worth as a wife and mother. It's a downward spiral of negativity and I struggle to swim upstream. Where is this freedom that Christ's speaks of? What does it look like? How does it feel? Perhaps even more alarming, would I be able to recognize it if I found it?
This Lent has been a struggle for me. I have felt like I am walking in
the desert. I have felt desolation and despair. I have had days where I'm
consumed with loneliness and the fact that I have to be a functional human
being every day is nearly more than I can bear. Yet there is still hope. In the
recesses of my heart way beneath the brokenness is this flicker of
light. It allows me to move forward. It keeps me from crumbling. The light of
Christ sustains me. It is my responsibility to fan that flame and surrender.
Freedom will always be purchased with a price and that price is to surrender to
His unending mercy and love. To let go of my pride, allow Him to guide my
entire life and stop seeking control.
As we approach Holy Week my prayer is to unite myself with Christ. To
not only die with Him but most importantly, to rise with Him. I pray that the
joy of the Resurrection penetrates my life and I can be a living witness
to his merciful love.
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