I try not to panic. I do my best to breathe and not let my thoughts consume me like they have all throughout my life. I just look at my daughter and focus. All my energy and strength needs to go to her and to my attempt to be the best mother I can to her. But my brain is weak. I feel like that's such a terrible excuse. All these things that are happening, all these feelings I'm feeling. I want to take responsibility. I want to own up to my mistakes. But how can I when I'm not even fully aware of what's going on?

I don't want to be "dealt with" or "tolerated". I want to stop being this giant burden. I don't want to chase away the one person who has never given up on me. I don't want complaints spun around and the whispers to start. I don't want to be a side show freak.

Things can't completely fall apart. It's not just my life anymore.

I'm scared.