I am not clueless to why I'm oh so blue. Even on days when being sad doesn't make sense I know deep down why I am. Relatively I've been depressed since I was 7 years old. That's 16 years man. It got worse when I was 12 but that's just because hormones kicked in and really, they aren't helpful with much. But seriously, every single moment of despair I have felt has been linked to a single cause. Drum roll please?
I'm lonely. That's it. Simple as that. From being teased endlessly, to moving too much at the worst times, to being left behind and abandoned, to being an outcast, to dealing with cancer much on my own, to being let down by every single person that I've let in that resembled abandonment and betrayal. It's all the same thing. I'm so very lonely.
I'm so much better when I'm around people. Even if nothing on my exterior changes. That my friends is called a mask. A defense mechanism. A way for me to prepare for the inevitable fall out. But in reality, having company is all I need. Having interaction. Real interaction. A hand to touch, someone to hug, a voice I can actually hear. Why do you honestly think I have had a boyfriend since I was 15? Because I needed someone. I needed not to be alone. Even to the point where I put up with so much more than I deserve. I didn't want to be alone so I stuck around. It's not about love, really. It's about attachment. It's about my fear of it just being me and only me forever.
Now don't get me wrong. I didn't use my boyfriends or not love them. In fact I always fall way too deep and am overly committed. But really I know that my primary function in life has been to not be lonely. Youth ministry is something I thrive in for a few reasons. A lot of it has to do however with the group atmosphere. It is a ministry that is not singular. It has to be group-oriented and team focused. No one can be lonely for it to succeed. Same goes for sports and for the Church as a whole. These are the places I am at my greatest.
When I was 13 I wrote a simple poem. It's nothing spectacular but it's truth :
Loneliness
A cold fearful hand
That grabs at your heart
And pierces your soul;
Overwhelming you with emotions
You can’t control
Being lonely kills people. It's not some mystery. We weren't meant to be alone.
Expect to be changed and change. My love, I still battle depression and I harbor a deep fear that I won't be able to fight it post-partum. There are many weekends when Shehan wants to even just run an errand by himself or just without me and I nearly lose it because I do not want to be left alone for even a second. I really feel like you have to stop waiting for things to fail and your relationships to crumble. It isn't fair! You're loved. So there.
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