My wedding day is something I have always dreamed about. It is perhaps the most girlish childlike fantasy I have ever had. My entire life I have searched for love. I have needed to be loved. I thought at a young age that once I found it I'd be fulfilled. I'd find this wonderful man who would adore me and make me feel like I mattered. Make me feel like I was worth something. Then he would one day ask me to be his wife in a grand expression illustrating his great love for me. I'd throw myself into planning a wedding, and that day will come and I would truly know happiness. All that dreaming has just set me up for disappointment and perhaps put too much pressure on everyone involved. I like to think I don't ask for much, but maybe I do. And maybe that void in me is too big for anyone to ever fill. Love has not brought me everlasting joy. It has caused me great pain and make me doubt everything.
I'm scared of so much. I want to be confident but the smallest thing makes me run back into my well lived in corner. I have buried anger stinging beneath my tears and I walk around in this constant ache. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore or what direction I'm heading.
I want to get excited. I want to have the freedom to dream. I want to share happiness with those important to me. But I think I'm standing alone and there is this huge possibility that I'm not even standing. I'm more crumbled up in a ball on the floor.
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