Diocesan Retreat 2012

I was not ready for this weekend. I wasn't prepared for any of it. I was not healthy enough for it. Mentally, physically and even admittedly, spiritually. However up that mountain I went and as anxious as I was I couldn't have predicted the way things occurred.

Perhaps I should back up a little as to not fully confuse my faithful readers who have no idea what I'm talking about. Though that may be just one person. This weekend I went to a Diocesan retreat in Williams, Arizona with my teens. We left Friday afternoon. The days leading up to Friday were extremely difficult on me. My chemo dosage had been raised and although it ended Thursday that week was very rough. In addition I had been battling a cold and what seemed to be a UTI. I was miserable and in more pain than I could handle. I was sleep-deprived and irritable and ultimately just not in the best shape to go on a retreat. My personal life was not exactly the best either. My boyfriend and I weren't exactly on the same page and although nothing extremely major had happened, we just didn't seem to be clicking. I felt distraught and empty and as though I was missing a part of me. Regardless, I got on that bus Friday afternoon for my teens and prayed to God to give me strength.

It was Jordan who asked first. Tyler and Zach had recently tackled me in the game room in the middle of my foosball game with a couple of my girls. Jordan then walked up after them and came up to me and said "I didn't know you'd be here. Where have you been all these months?" I couldn't think of anything to say.
During first session I'm following my girls frantically trying to keep up with them as they run to the stage to get to the front. We get settled and within a few minutes I see April just a few people away from me and we run to each other and hug and then I realize that my teens are right next to St. Anne. I look around and for a second I can't breathe. I feel my legs start to buckle and I lock my knee. April brings Jana to me and Jana hugs me and I momentarily snap out of it. Then Adrianna shows up and is squeezing me and then Ana and I'm just too overwhelmed. I try to focus on the music but I just begin feeling sick. I try focusing on my teens but everyone is blurring together. My heart hurts. As the session begins I focus more. I ask God for strength. I ask Him to help me get through the night. I listen to all the talks and I watch my teens take the messages in. I watch them praise and worship. When the night ends and we get up to leave another teen from St. Anne, Jacque, runs up to me and hugs me and begins crying and asks, "Why aren't you with us anymore?" All I can say is it wasn't my choice. She just turns around and walks away. Another girl sees me and comes running at me and throws herself into my arms. Another one stands frozen on the steps crying just staring at me and I have to walk up to her and embrace her. She just keeps crying over and over again saying, "I'm so glad you're okay." Aaron comes up to me and opens his mouth to say something, but then just walks off with his head down. I look up and I see my teens, my new teens, looking at me, waiting for me at the top of the stairs. I walk up to them and one of them, Kim, asks, "are your teens okay?" And with tears in my eyes I looked at her and said "I don't know, are you? You're my teens." And she hugged me really tight.

I couldn't sleep that night. I felt tormented. I felt angry that so many of those teens at St. Anne think I just left them. It's more than just my reputation. It isn't fair to them. Not a single thing is handled properly at the parish. I love those kids so much and I always will. They deserve the truth. I won't ever get an apology and that's fine. So be it. This is is bigger than me. They hurt a lot of teens too and I'm fed up with it all.

I could probably say more on the subject but I'm not going to waste my time. The teens of St. Anne and of course Michael, April and Katrina were faithful to me as they always have been. The parishes merged throughout the weekend during session and although it had it's struggles it was nice to see everyone and know how truly loved I am by those teens. However it was more than that. Every second I spend doing anything youth ministry related my heart is just on fire. And in those little moments when I walk up behind a teen talking about me when they think I'm not around and they're going off about how funny and awesome I am and I'm completely blown away because honestly, the things I do, I don't even try. I work hard, yes. But I'm just me. And to be loved for who I am and to know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is calling me to serve these teens and any teen that God puts in my path is the greatest joy in my life. When I watched my teens perform their song during the talent show I was the proudest person in the world. My heart swelled and tears filled my eyes. I love them so much. I want to do this forever.

This weekend also showed me something else. I've known that I'm called to be a youth minister for quite some time now. I've also known that I'm called to one day be a wife. However it wasn't really until this weekend that it hit me I'm called, truly and completely called to be Michael Ryan Gray's wife. This just isn't something that I want. Or even something Michael wants. This is something God is inviting me to choose. Michael is God's will for me. He always has been. I love Michael so much. We aren't even close being perfect. But our love is made perfect through Him and I want to seek Heaven with Michael by my side.

I'm in a lot of pain right now from how exhausted this weekend has left me. I could write a whole other mess of a blog talking about my limitations and frustration and what this retreat did to me there. For now though I should just leave it where it is. I'm on some sort of journey. Tomorrow is another day.